What I Need

 I thought I might come back to my last post when things were good and write about how God fixed it all for me, but it appears He is leaving me to be in this moment for longer than I hoped. I'm learning what codependency looks like and its not pretty. I feel like most of my life I have really sought out ways to better myself and my relationships and to work on things, but I don't really think I have done a very good job at this after all. Or maybe I just wasn't in a place to accept this new found information.  

I have used work as a distraction instead of facing my issues, for probably more than 25 years, subconsciously believing that if I'm making and spending money, maybe I won't have to deal with things. I am taking full responsibility for this and my shortcomings and how they have affected my family. This is not easy. I don't want to be judged the same way I don't want anyone else judging my path. 

I'm learning how to let go of my drug addicted daughter and it is even harder than giving birth to her naturally 34 years ago. Way harder. My poor kids. I had my daughter because I was married to a horrible human and I was so lonely. Of course she became my world on day one. I wanted so many things for her, so I pushed her to do things like play basketball. She was really good and had such natural talent I tried to exploit that and became her coach. She hated me so much as her coach, but I would not relent. And one day, she decided to stop going to school and sadly I was talked into letting her quit and basketball was over for us. 

I can still feel the disappointment as if it were yesterday. I'm sure living with me during this time was not easy. My only coping skills back then were drinking. Somehow her sister managed to survive all of that and learn from my eldest's mistakes and in spite of me, become a really awesome person. She teaches me something new every single day and she is such an old soul. Thank God for her. 

I don't know if any of us will survive this dark time. I am really afraid. But God is here with me, I am sure of it. Trying to keep me sane and not let this disruption in my life destroy me and everything I have worked so hard for in my life. Thank God I finally found a therapist I love who is opening my eyes in so many new ways too. It is true, and I have said it before, God really does bring us what we need right when we need it. I need peace. 

Lord, thank you for always showing up for me when I am hurting. Please watch over my babies and their babies and all of the people I so desperately love. But today, I want to pray for myself which I rarely do. I pray that I will find peace and that you are working all of this out for me and I will trust that what ever happens is meant to happen according to your will. I will cling to that. Amen.

God Please Help Me

Well 2020 came and went and I didn't write a word about it. But that seems completely appropriate to me now. I read this today on an IG post "Peace is the process of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than how you think it should be." I won't lie, peace has always seemed elusive to me. When you have a child who is an addict, peace will elude you. Trust me. And when you feel you can't go on, you do and then you keep going. I want to give up. I want peace. I need hope in my life. I need God right now. More than ever. I am struggling. 

Prior to about a week ago I was happy. Content. Life was good. I had everything I could ever need or want. And then life took a shit on me again. Shit happens. Am I right? 

Over the past 6 months I have watched a lot of documentaries about near death experiences. I also read Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian Weiss where he sort of accidentally fell into doing past life regressions with a client and it literally changed his life. So he wrote about it. A lot and I love his books. Sometimes I feel like the only way to escape my life is by dying. Then I could start over. But I have so many people in my life that would be destroyed by this, so I stay. For them. 

Sorry this post is so raw, but that's just where I am right now. 

Go please help me. 

It's Been A Year

I have been writing in this blog for 6 years. 6 YEARS!!!!!!!! I have lived a lot of life in 6 years. I have had the same job for 6 years. Actually going on 8 now. I have always been a "runner" at work. If I get pissed off or things get difficult, I run to another job. 8 years ago God put this amazing woman in my life who has been a constant source of guidance and encouragement. Every time I thought of running away from my current job, she talked me off the ledge. I feel that God led me to my current job and I belong here. I always joke that my company and I are perfectly, dysfunctionally matched.

In the past 6 years I have written lots of Facebook posts about God and Jesus. They always show up in my memories and they always make me cringe when they do. Not because I'm embarrassed by my Savior, but because that is not the right forum for my words. This is. This blog is. Facebook is evil. I have a hate, hate relationship with Facebook. So the thought that I have been so vulnerable and shared so many of my words on that forum in the past makes me cringe.

This is only my second post this year. It's been a year. I bought a house, sold a house, lost my two boxer's to some terrible health problems due to old age and just recently got a new Yorkie puppy. I have suffered through my oldest daughter and her drama and her substance abuse among many other things. I have watched my youngest daughter build an amazing business and purchase a store which is not easy, but she always perseveres and I like to think that I have something to do with her fortitude. I've never been a quitter. I had always hoped to instill that in my children.

Someone I follow on Instagram recently posted this text from Jesus Calling "Trust Me with every fiber of your being! What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me. One aspect of this is the degree to which you trust Me in a crisis or major decision. Some people fail miserably here, while others are at their best in tough times. Another aspect is even more telling: the constancy of your trust in Me. People who rely on Me in the midst of adversity may forget about Me when life is flowing smoothly. Difficult times can jolt you into awareness of your need for Me, whereas smooth sailing can lull you into the stupor of self-sufficiency. I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith. You may think that no one notices, but the One who is always beside you sees everything—and rejoices. Consistently trusting in Me is vital to flourishing in My Presence."

These words speak to me because I am coming to a place in my faith where I trust God to guide me down the right path. I have had a lot of really great moments and a lot of really bad moments this year and God was with me through it all. When I am happy I rejoice with Him and I thank Him for my amazing life! When I am sad and I struggle, I move closer to God in order to soak up His loving grace, so through both the good and bad this year God has been there with me.

It has definitely been a year and although I have not written about it that much, God has been a constant presence in my life this year. Through it all. Next year when the spirit moves me, I will do a better job of documenting it on my blog! Looking back on my words is always so comforting and I feel like so many of them come straight from God!

Lord I love You with all of my heart. My only prayer today is that I seek You and I feel You and I depend on You like I depend on the air I breath into my lungs! When I lay my head down every night and I ask you to watch over me and my babies and my babies babies, I know that You are.

I Found God

Recently I was thinking how God has always been there, helping me even when I couldn't help myself. I started working right out of high school. I worked in high school as well to pay for my car that I loved so much, so when I got married 2 weeks after graduating and moved to a much larger town I started looking for work. The couple we leased our duplex from knew of an open receptionist position at a local prominent oil company. I applied for the job and got it. Along with being the receptionist, I entered all the data into the personal computers. This was 1984. Our computers had 40MB of storage. If the computers or the network malfunctioned I had to fix them because everyone else in the office was completely intimidated by computers. I worked there for 7 years. I left for a job as a data entry clerk really for a brokerage firm, but my boss and I got along really well and she encouraged me to automate the dividend reinvestment program using Microsoft Excel. So I did. We tripled the program in size after that.

Every single job after that brokerage firm wanted me for my computer skills. My boss at Ernst & Young helped me get my first real technical position as a Novell Network Administrator/Lotus Notes Developer and the rest is history. I always tell people, my career chose me I didn't choose it. But looking back, I believe that God had a hand in it. He was helping me even before I knew to give Him praise.

Fast forward 30 years (wow I'm old) and I'm driving to work this past week and just feel an overwhelming feeling of thanks to God. He was waiting for me in 2003 when I finally became a real believer. I believed before then and I even got baptized, but I was not saved. God saved me in 2003. He showed up for me in so many profound ways after that and literally blew my mind. I learned what it means to be truly forgiven for my sins. Prior to that I thought my sin was just too big. But it wasn't. God saved my daughter, by healing her from a terrible disease. And God crushed one of my enemies at my work. Of course God has been there for many other things through the years, but those 3 really shook me to my core.

I worship my King every single day of my life. I worship daily....the name of this blog, but it is just part of who I am. Since I became a true believer and God saved me, my life gets better every year. I have trials and tribulations and I still sin. I do stupid things that get me in trouble, but God is still here with me leading me down a better path. Recently I have been buying and selling a house. It is very stressful. But I pray every single day for faith. It is with blind faith that I continue down this path because who knows what will happen when I go to close on two houses in one day? I have no idea, but I trust God to work it out on my behalf, so I don't have to stress over it. Where I end up on March 1st will be where God needs me to be. That is all I know. So I'm going to keep packing and planning until He sends me in another direction. For some reason I feel this is what He wants me to do, so I'm doing it.

I think when we love God even in the most challenging times of our lives it just brings us closer to Him. But that is not a lesson that is easy to learn. So often we want to blame God. Why are you doing this to me God? This is a question I often hear that I want to answer by simply saying God is doing this to you to bring you closer to Him. Rely on Him. Not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us; Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Believe it and do it! And trust me, your life will be forever changed!

The Chronicles of Tina

12/05/2018 - My daughter had to go out of town this week WHILE Mercury is in Retrograde. I hate the thought of her flying alone, much less staying alone in hotels etc. I was a hot mess. Way worse than normal and I just didn't know why so I convinced myself it was because something terrible WAS going to happen. Now fast forward to me taking my granddaughter to school on Tuesday. I had a straight up panic attack on the way home and I convinced myself that my daughter's plane crashed at that very moment. I could not shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen the entire day. I go back to get my granddaughter that afternoon and I'm a lot less shaky, but still not feeling well and I still have anxiety. When I get to my exit I think that the tire sounds really bad all of a sudden. I knew it was a little low, but I thought still drivable. I was driving 77 for about the last mile before exiting. I get home and the tire is of course junk. It was probably flat the entire trip and back twice.

Today I'm sitting here and I realize that God literally saved our lives. That tire could have blown while I was driving 77 miles an hour. That tire could have been flat for a while before my daughter even knew it so there is no telling how many times all of our lives were put in jeopardy over that tire and yet God kept it rolling until I got a quarter of a mile from my house. GOD DID THAT! And now all my petty worries about my my daughter seem so stupid. It wasn't my daughter that was at risk at all it was me and the babies and OH MY GOD I'm literally in tears right now and just so thankful that the only thing that happened is that we have to get a tire changed. We aren't in a hospital on life support from a terrible accident from a truly blown tire. God you continue to save me over and over and over again. I am so unworthy, but so blessed. WOW!!

I feel like all I worry about is my kids. Never myself. And God is trying to tell me that my life matters too. I always pray for God to put my kids wrath on me. Let me suffer for what they do wrong. I can take it. I'm strong. And I deserve it since I have not led them to God properly. And I feel like God is telling me to pray for myself sometimes too because I deserve it. I am no less than they are and I need to trust that God has them too. Just like He has me. Wow.

12/07/2018 - My precious girl made it home today. I saved a picture of her flight tracker to show her and also to keep for myself the fact that God literally opened up a hole around a bunch of thunderstorms so she could land. He shows up for me EVERY SINGLE TIME. And yet I am still terrified of losing my girl in a plane crash. God saved me and the babies from that blown tire and yet I still worried today as she flew home. I have to stop doing this. With God's help I will work on this and I will fix it.

I read something on Instagram that said "When God keeps bringing you the same lesson, He's trying to deliver you from that spirit. When you stop allowing demons to trigger you, eventually they will stop showing up". This brought me to my knees. The day before my daughter flew to Napa I had a terrible dream about a demon who took over my body and then flew down and picked up my sweet granddaughter and then the earth caved into itself in my dream. The last time my daughter flew I thought I had dealt with these fears and yet I was paralyzed by my fears this entire week. So this demon that keeps triggering me has to die. And it will only die if I rely more on my Savior. Its been a really rough week, but dang I would not change it for a thing. It made me realize how much God loves me and how He is constantly protecting me even when the only thing I can do is to be completely wrought with anxiety.

God thank you for the gift you constantly give me and your vigilance. I promise I will not fail you.

I sat down today after work and opened my book titled God Calling. I just happened to read this message from yesterday....

Why is this message significant? Well I was looking at my tattoo today and for what ever reason I decided to type Jesus in Hebrew into my browser and I had a hard time finding my tattoo. I got this tattoo a few years ago and I remember researching it for months and there was a good reason I chose this version of it, but I can't remember what that even is now. My tattoo is supposed to be Jesus written in Hebrew....or Yeshua.... or Yehoshua ...

So I started to stress over it and think well maybe I will just have it lasered off and another one put in its place. Then I kept looking and looking and I found that my version of it which is the Yehoshua version was used more commonly in text, so I thought, that is probably why I chose it. Like I said I didn't remember why I chose this particular version and honestly its my tattoo so who really cares. I don't want one that looks like anyone elses. Its personal. But I was stressing over it for a minute.

Even with the smallest thing God puts my mind at ease. This passage talks about My Mark. This is my mark: 

It talks about the stamp of the Kingdom and this reminds me how accessible God is to me. I can pray and commune with God at any moment of any day, for any reason. I can worship Him daily if I want to and sometimes I do just that.

God speaks to me in so many ways and sometimes I just look up at the sky and I say ok I get it, I'm sorry I didn't the first 50 times you tried to get my attention. Other days I just fall to my knees and whimper like a terrified, but thankful puppy. The fact that God would save me in these moments when I am so flawed is beyond my comprehension.

This morning on the way to work this Jeremy Camp song came on called Tell The Whole World. I had never  heard it before, but like all things JC sings it moved me to my core. The chorus goes like this:

I wanna tell the whole world about Jesus
He saved my soul, did a miracle in me
He said "Dead man come alive"
He opened up my eyes
I wanna tell the whole world that I'm free

This song is me. I want to tell the whole world about Jesus. Right now my shy and introverted self uses this blog that I envision lots of people stumbling upon someday, but this song speaks to why I write in my blog. This is my way of sharing this loving, forgiving, amazing savior with the world. He is here for you. He is here for me. He is here for every single person that has come before and will come after us. And you don't need a pastor to tell you about Jesus. Just look for Him. He is all around you!

God also reminds me to write in my blog. Not just when I am happy, but also when I am broken. Make no mistake, my messages are Divinely inspired. Thank you Jesus for loving me! I need you SO MUCH Lord!

Remember Me?

Today, my Facebook memories gave me this that I wrote 5 years ago:

"Lately I have not been walking with Jesus. Call it life. Call it a flawed human being. Call it what ever you want, I'm just not putting God between me and the world and as a result I've been in a lot of trouble. Trouble with my family, my friends and even my work. I don't like being here at all. So to my peers I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry if my mean heart has affected you. I'm sorry if my actions left you wondering how this person can call herself a Christian and I'm sorry if you have lost respect for me. Make no mistake, I have lost a lot of respect for me. All I can do is wake up tomorrow and try to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be while learning from my mistakes. I'm broken.....flawed.....undeserving.... and yet I throw myself on the mercy of my Maker and He rescues me time and time again. I ask, how can You love me like this when there are so many moments that I can not even stand the sight of myself and I feel Him smiling and reassuring me that we are in this together. Lord, let me not disappoint you today!"

I remember distinctly where I was when I wrote this post. I had an issue at work and of course I let it overflow into the rest of my life. I used to be really hard on myself, but that is something I have been trying to do a lot less of and honestly I am much happier. I am at a point in my life where I can accept me for who I am. I accept the fact that I am a sinner. I sin. I am sometimes mean. I am sometimes shallow. I am sometimes selfish. I am a lot of things. But God still loves me in spite of all of that. I already have His grace. I don't have to keep working for it.

I love how God just shows up in my life when I least expect it and I will be reminded of how deeply and passionately I love my Savior even if I only write about it in this blog. I love how God moves me and is a never ending source of strength for me. I picture Jesus and my dad hanging out watching my life evolve sometimes and I think they would be proud of me. I am not perfect, but I am definitely entertaining! :0)

I realized today I have not written anything this year and the year is about half over. I have been really busy with life and work and my kids and sadly I have written a lot of things this year, but none of them are God-worthy or appropriate for this space. I need to do a better job of recording the moments when God saves me because I look back on my words and I need to constantly remind myself of these moments.

Lord, thank you for giving me this amazing life to live and for helping me seek happiness in all of my endeavors. Lord, I need you. Today and every single day for the rest of eternity and I love you so! You move me beyond words, beyond humanity, beyond this meager existence! Amen.

Lord I Need You

In the past I have written about how I try to live my life without regret, but today I am going to say that my biggest regret in life is not leading my daughters to Christ. I'm writing this to encourage anyone reading this with small children not to make the same mistake that I did. I follow Nick Vujicic on Facebook. He is the guy who was born with no arms or legs who is such an inspriation to the world. Someone posted on his wall about their daughter's coming forward and giving their life to Christ as they listened to one of Nick's messages. This post really brought me to tears and made me so sad that I never got to celebrate this with my own daughters.

Growing up we never went to church. We were the family that might show up on Christmas or Easter or we might not. I had no idea what it meant to give my life to Christ. I had no idea really who Christ was. And then God sent me to work with a bunch of southern women just after graduating from high school at a small oil company in Corsicana, Texas and they really changed my life forever. These women raised me. They taught me about church and God. They taught me about family and how to love your children and to give them everything you have. They taught me how to dress and wear make up and to never leave the house without looking your best. And I loved them all so much. I spent 7 years with them working at this oil company from the age of 18 to 25. It was so difficult to leave there, but God had bigger plans for me.

Through the years I have not always made the best decisions. I think it is mainly because I've never had a really strong support system. I've always felt like I had to do everything myself and to this day that has not changed. If I want something I have to figure out how to get it for myself and its only been recently that I have been able to do that. My entire life revolved around my kids and making sure they had the best life possible, so nothing has ever really been about me. And yet I'm sitting here typing this message still feeling guilty that while I gave my daughters as much love as I could and as many "things" as I could, I failed to teach them the most important life lesson.

If I didn't have God I would not be here. It is really and truly that simple for me. When I feel underappreciated and overworked God taps me on the shoulder and says "hey kid....you're gonna be ok". He lifts me up when I'm down and most importantly He is always with me. Cheering me on, just like my dad always did. Without God's love and supreme guidance my life would be meaningless. I hope and pray that someday my daughter's will read these words that I have written and come to know Christ.

Having a relationship with Christ is so easy. It took me a long time to figure this out, but its really between me and God. It's not about other people. It's not about Church. It's not about giving anything up. It's not about any of that meaningless nonsense. All you have to do is just be. BE with Christ. Worship Him with your actions. Thank Him for loving you. Love your neighbors as you love yourself. Read a bible verse. You can even put a bible app on your phone. The point I'm making is that it's all internal. Sure you can go to church and be with other believers and trust me some of them will change your life. Others will disappoint you immensely. But at the end of the day it's not about them, it's about you and Jesus. I want so badly for my girls to understand this and believe it and live their lives with God implanted so deeply in their hearts that nothing could ever hurt them. With God all things are possible and with God their enemies will be crushed.

I will close with this song by Matt Maher that God just whispered in my ear and a prayer; Lord thank you for finding your way into my heart and changing me forever. Whether it was the sweet little old ladies at Wheelock Oil Company who helped you or something else makes no difference to me. Lord I need you. Every hour I need you. Please never leave my side. Amen

Lord, I Need You
Matt Maher

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

To teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
When I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvfMDhTyMA

Jesus is Hope

Jesus is hope. Forget everything you already know about Jesus. Forget that he died on the cross. Forget that he suffered so we could have everlasting life. Forget all of it and know that Jesus is hope. I believe in Jesus because believing in Him gives me hope and without hope I think I would be lost.

Today the world awoke to news of a mass shooting in Las Vegas. It seems our world is in turmoil lately. We could all sit around feeling doomed or we could hope for the best. Jesus gives me that hope. Sometimes crappy things happen to really good people. I am certain that God uses crappy times to pull us closer to Him. So when you think the world is going to hell and you feel hopeless and you think you can not bear one more burden, why don't you lay them all down at the feet of Jesus? Tell Him that you can't do it anymore and you need help. And guess what? He will be there.  He will pick up the pieces of your broken, shattered life and he will put them back together again in a way you never thought imaginable. And you don't even have to tell anyone that you believe. If you are afraid of being judged or whatever just let your relationship with Christ simply live inside of you. There are no rules to loving Christ.

We all live in this material realm where we can't see Jesus. We can't see God. Our reality is what we see, so asking someone to simply believe is a a stretch. I get that. I can't make anyone believe in God and it doesn't matter anyway, because God believes in you. He will not foresake you. He will not leave you.

In these times when it seems like hope is gone, just know that Jesus is Hope. Jesus is Love. Jesus is all things to everyone. Its not complicated and you don't have to be a theologian to understand God. Simply sit still, close your eyes and ask God to enter your heart and fill you with love where there once was hate. Ask Him to help our world and embrace those that are hurting. Ask Him anything. Do it a lot. And soon you will seek Him in all things and He will be there.

Lord today I just want to thank you for loving us all even when our humanity turns into something terrifying like what happened in Las Vegas. Help us rise above that space and embrace you when we feel like there is no escape. Help us see you in those horrible moments and help us to know how much you love us through them. I love you so much!

I am a thief....

Today I want to talk about the song Thief by Third Day and how this song moves me to my core every single time I hear it. I literally stop what I'm doing and I imagine myself singing this song. I am a thief, I am a murderer, walking up this lonely hill. This is me. This is all of us. This man is no different from you or me. Sure his sin might be greater, but sin is sin right? He looks over and he sees Jesus hanging from that cross and he says "Who is this man? This man beside me, they call the king of jews. They don't believe that he's the Messiah, but somehow I know its true."

At that very moment the thief knew Jesus was the Messiah.

The thief continues:

My time has come and I'm slowly fading
I deserve what I receive
Jesus when You are in Your kingdom
Could You please, please remember me?

And He looks at me still holding on
The tears fall from His eyes
And He says I tell the truth
Today, you will be with Me in paradise
And I know that my time, yes my time is coming soon

When the song talks about tears falling from His eyes is usually where I completely lose it because I am the thief and Jesus saved me too. I can imagine the betrayal He felt from being crucified by His own people. I imagine the pain He is in. I imagine that He is so pure that He literally took the time to save the man next to Him and I just want to be more like Him.

So often compassion leaves me and I find myself being hateful or mean. Even if its only in my own mind. I am jealous of people. I say mean things about people. I'm just really a mean person sometimes. I have to do a better job of remembering the price that Christ paid for my sins and work towards not being so hateful.

Lord thank you for dying for us. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for teaching us that God is accessible to us no matter what. Even if we sin and fall short.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwPqCPMyypI

Perfect Imperfection

So often we get caught up in situations that are less than ideal and we wonder, why on earth is this happening to me? We never think about the blessing this one thing that is less than ideal might actually be to someone else. True, its not your xanadu, but it might be just what someone else needs at that moment.

God is at work right now turning a bad situation in to a livable situation even at the cost of someone elses happiness. And that someone else might be resentful at first, but hopefully they can take a step back and see the bigger picture and know that sometimes we have to surrender our own happiness and fulfillment for only a moment just to help another soul. What if that other soul had no options? How would their lives be impacted by that? But through God and you they now have options.

Sometimes its not all about us, its about someone else. Think about the times in your life when someone showed up to help you. There was surely divine intervention in that and you didn't even know it. We have to learn to revel in every moment knowing that this one and the next and the next is architected by God. Is every moment perfect? No, but where is the fun in that? I feel like the culmination of life is about 1 perfect moment in every 9 imperfect moments and it really comes down to our trust and faith in God.

Today I know two things. I am alive. And I am in LOVE with my savior. Beyond that I'm just filling in the gaps with my perfectly imperfect life! I think my message today is one of surrendering. Get out of your head. Stop thinking about what you DON'T have and start thinking about how this moment, thanks to God, is a blessing to someone even if it isn't you!

This Is My Truth

Today I am absolutely humbled by the spirit of God. As I stand in my office listening to my music the song Sweetly Broken, by Jeremy Riddle comes on and I am brought to tears. This song moves me more than I can express with words, but I will attempt to explain.

I am broken. So broken. Shame overtakes me some days. Its that constant shame in the corner of my brain that makes me feel so unworthy and push everyone away so its not a small thing. It hurts me. It hurts my relationships. It lets me justify detaching from reality and people. It leads me to really dark days that I often wonder how or if I will ever overcome.

And then something as simple as this song reminds me that I am human. I sin. I am broken, but in God's eyes I'm already forgiven. And if the maker of the universe forgives me, why can't I forgive myself? If He loves me. Why can't I love myself? No human is greater than God. No ego is greater than God, so why do I constantly come back to this place where I feel ugly and unworthy and unhappy?

I think the answer is that I forget how much God really loves me. I forget that I have already been given grace. I want to believe it, but I often have doubts that are just the devil getting in my head trying to ruin my relationship with Christ. That reminds me of the song Forgiven by Sanctus Real where he talks about his past failures that the devil won't let him forget. I need to do a better job of silencing my demons with the voices of the angels whose music I can not live without, two of whom are mentioned in this post.

This is my truth. This is where I need to be in order to enjoy my life on this earth and stop allowing fear and anger and shame control me.

Father God, please forgive me for losing sight of You. Thank you for loving me so much and never letting me forget how close you are. I feel You next to me right at this moment reminding me that I am worthy. Lord if I had to experience what I have in the last 40 plus days in order to go deeper with You then I would gladly do it again a thousand times over. Please help me stay focused on You and your plan for my life. In your precious son's name I pray! AMEN!

SWEETLY BROKEN

To the cross, I look, and to the cross, I cling
Of it's suffering, I do drink, of its work, I do sing
On it, my Savior, both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love and God is just

At the cross, You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees
And I am lost for words, so lost in love
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Yeah, yeah, oh Lord

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5_Z3ZZYLDc

FORGIVEN

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I am reminded of the wrong that I 
have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9FW1dz3Lrg

Happiness

Two days ago I was talking to my daughter about happiness. Happiness has often been elusive to me, but there are a few things I have learned in my 50 plus years on this earth. First and foremost I don't believe you can truly be happy without Jesus in your life. Without a solid foundation built by God you will always be lost and engulfed in fear. Only through God can you conquer your fears. Secondly, happiness is a choice that you make. You can choose to be sad and negative every day or you can choose to be happy and positive. The choice is really yours. My advice to my sweet child was to work on being happy with something small like a frappucino. Really savor it and enjoy it and let it fill you with happiness. Don't expect anything else to make you happy that day, just be happy with that frappucino. Then maybe move to something bigger the next day and the next.

I know someone who to me seems lost. I am not one to force my beliefs on anyone, but internally my heart really aches for her. I have many tattoos and they are almost all based on my faith. When I got Yeshua (i.e. Jesus) tattooed on my wrist (in Hebrew) and I told her what it meant she said, I am not religious and I said neither am I. You don't have to be religious to have faith or to love and worship Jesus. What I really want to tell her is that God loves her so much that He sent his son to earth to die for her. She has already been given grace and she doesn't even know it. Everything in her life that brings her sadness and grief can be washed away simply by accepting Christ as her savior. And that she will never truly be happy until this happens and its never too late to become a believer and to walk with Christ.

I challenge you to constantly be seeking communion with your savior, even when this crazy life is so busy that we barely have time to breath. Even when your focus is on earthly treasures, just look up and say Thank You Jesus. Thank you for loving me and for being here with me in this moment and making me happier than I ever thought possible!

Faith

I have always been a believer, but I haven't always been faithful. Around the year 2001 to 2003 I was lost. I was dating a man who I thought I would be with forever, but something was just off. And then I was laid off from a job, then another job and my teenage daughter was more than a handful. Life for me was not good. My boyfriend at the time made the comment to me that I seemed "faithless". This really destroyed me to hear because I definitely believed in God. It would take many many years for me to understand that he was right.

Belief and faith are two completely different things. You can believe in God all day long, but not truly believe that He can save you. This is where faith comes in. Faith is knowing that God will save you. Not just today, but every single second of every day of your life. When you are faithless you worry more. You don't trust God. You try to fix everything on your own. You don't pray. You don't convene with your savior. I know this because that is what I did. My ego was bigger than God and my faith was non-existent.

If I had not been told I was faithless I would never have tried to go deeper and get to know God more, so I am thankful for that moment. Through the years I have really tried to kill my ego and grow my faith. Writing helps me a lot. Listening to Christian music is how God speaks to me the most. I love to be near people who are faithful and hearing about their journeys. I love to read books about Christ from all sorts of different authors and I love reading the Bible.

I'm not perfect and there are days or weeks or months that I will still falter, but my faith NEVER falters. I know that even when I sin God is still here trying to save me. His love for me is overpowering and I know the reason I feel His love so strongly is because of my faith. Lord how I love you back!

I wrote the post below on Facebook 4 years ago today. Its kind of ironic that I began writing this blog entry today regarding faith, and then this popped up in my feed. Actually its not ironic at all, its a God thing! It's like God was saying hey remember ME???? Yes God, I remember you and I love you SO SO MUCH!!!!!!

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Trust God

Sometimes I hate my life. I am in this space and I hate it and I am tormented by it. I scream out to God asking why? Crying why have you put me in this space and why can't I just be happy? But happiness seems as elusive to me as my dying youth. And just when I think it can't get any worse, God speaks to me like He always does through my music and I hear the words "you are not trusting God". And He is right. I am not trusting God's purpose for putting me where I need to be and that is why I am so unhappy. God has never once put me through anything that didn't make me a better person and yet, when confronted by a seemingly hopeless situation which is really where I need to be trusting Him the most, I resort to my old ways and I am mad at God.

Recently I feel like I am surrounded by death. A co-worker literally dropped dead at his desk last week and just yesterday my sister-in-law had a close family friend commit suicide. They were 41 and 24. So young and so tragic. I am reminded of how little time we have in this life and how precious it is. I think happiness is a gift that we can give back to God. I think He wants us to be joyful and when we are it makes Him happy. When life gets in the way of your joy, you have to find joy in other things and I think you should constantly be seeking joy. And I mean JOYFUL JUBILATION. The kind of joy that makes you want to scream it from the roof tops. When you can do that even in the midst of torment, I think you will have mastered life.

My message today is pretty clear. Listen for God to lead the way. And when you are lost just wait for God to hand you the baton so you can run through it until you get to the other side of your struggles. Maybe you are here because you needed time to reflect. Maybe you are here because God is saving you from heart ache that could be a million times worse than your petty little struggle today. I think that is what I keep forgetting. It could be so much worse. So be thankful for God and be thankful for this moment, no matter how crappy it is and above all Trust God.