What I Need

 I thought I might come back to my last post when things were good and write about how God fixed it all for me, but it appears He is leaving me to be in this moment for longer than I hoped. I'm learning what codependency looks like and its not pretty. I feel like most of my life I have really sought out ways to better myself and my relationships and to work on things, but I don't really think I have done a very good job at this after all. Or maybe I just wasn't in a place to accept this new found information.  

I have used work as a distraction instead of facing my issues, for probably more than 25 years, subconsciously believing that if I'm making and spending money, maybe I won't have to deal with things. I am taking full responsibility for this and my shortcomings and how they have affected my family. This is not easy. I don't want to be judged the same way I don't want anyone else judging my path. 

I'm learning how to let go of my drug addicted daughter and it is even harder than giving birth to her naturally 34 years ago. Way harder. My poor kids. I had my daughter because I was married to a horrible human and I was so lonely. Of course she became my world on day one. I wanted so many things for her, so I pushed her to do things like play basketball. She was really good and had such natural talent I tried to exploit that and became her coach. She hated me so much as her coach, but I would not relent. And one day, she decided to stop going to school and sadly I was talked into letting her quit and basketball was over for us. 

I can still feel the disappointment as if it were yesterday. I'm sure living with me during this time was not easy. My only coping skills back then were drinking. Somehow her sister managed to survive all of that and learn from my eldest's mistakes and in spite of me, become a really awesome person. She teaches me something new every single day and she is such an old soul. Thank God for her. 

I don't know if any of us will survive this dark time. I am really afraid. But God is here with me, I am sure of it. Trying to keep me sane and not let this disruption in my life destroy me and everything I have worked so hard for in my life. Thank God I finally found a therapist I love who is opening my eyes in so many new ways too. It is true, and I have said it before, God really does bring us what we need right when we need it. I need peace. 

Lord, thank you for always showing up for me when I am hurting. Please watch over my babies and their babies and all of the people I so desperately love. But today, I want to pray for myself which I rarely do. I pray that I will find peace and that you are working all of this out for me and I will trust that what ever happens is meant to happen according to your will. I will cling to that. Amen.