12/05/2018 - My daughter had to go out of town this week WHILE Mercury is in Retrograde. I hate the thought of her flying alone, much less staying alone in hotels etc. I was a hot mess. Way worse than normal and I just didn't know why so I convinced myself it was because something terrible WAS going to happen. Now fast forward to me taking my granddaughter to school on Tuesday. I had a straight up panic attack on the way home and I convinced myself that my daughter's plane crashed at that very moment. I could not shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen the entire day. I go back to get my granddaughter that afternoon and I'm a lot less shaky, but still not feeling well and I still have anxiety. When I get to my exit I think that the tire sounds really bad all of a sudden. I knew it was a little low, but I thought still drivable. I was driving 77 for about the last mile before exiting. I get home and the tire is of course junk. It was probably flat the entire trip and back twice.
Today I'm sitting here and I realize that God literally saved our lives. That tire could have blown while I was driving 77 miles an hour. That tire could have been flat for a while before my daughter even knew it so there is no telling how many times all of our lives were put in jeopardy over that tire and yet God kept it rolling until I got a quarter of a mile from my house. GOD DID THAT! And now all my petty worries about my my daughter seem so stupid. It wasn't my daughter that was at risk at all it was me and the babies and OH MY GOD I'm literally in tears right now and just so thankful that the only thing that happened is that we have to get a tire changed. We aren't in a hospital on life support from a terrible accident from a truly blown tire. God you continue to save me over and over and over again. I am so unworthy, but so blessed. WOW!!
I feel like all I worry about is my kids. Never myself. And God is trying to tell me that my life matters too. I always pray for God to put my kids wrath on me. Let me suffer for what they do wrong. I can take it. I'm strong. And I deserve it since I have not led them to God properly. And I feel like God is telling me to pray for myself sometimes too because I deserve it. I am no less than they are and I need to trust that God has them too. Just like He has me. Wow.
12/07/2018 - My precious girl made it home today. I saved a picture of her flight tracker to show her and also to keep for myself the fact that God literally opened up a hole around a bunch of thunderstorms so she could land. He shows up for me EVERY SINGLE TIME. And yet I am still terrified of losing my girl in a plane crash. God saved me and the babies from that blown tire and yet I still worried today as she flew home. I have to stop doing this. With God's help I will work on this and I will fix it.
I read something on Instagram that said "When God keeps bringing you the same lesson, He's trying to deliver you from that spirit. When you stop allowing demons to trigger you, eventually they will stop showing up". This brought me to my knees. The day before my daughter flew to Napa I had a terrible dream about a demon who took over my body and then flew down and picked up my sweet granddaughter and then the earth caved into itself in my dream. The last time my daughter flew I thought I had dealt with these fears and yet I was paralyzed by my fears this entire week. So this demon that keeps triggering me has to die. And it will only die if I rely more on my Savior. Its been a really rough week, but dang I would not change it for a thing. It made me realize how much God loves me and how He is constantly protecting me even when the only thing I can do is to be completely wrought with anxiety.
God thank you for the gift you constantly give me and your vigilance. I promise I will not fail you.
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