Forgivable

It's that time of year again, when I start to look inward. This year has been another rough year for me, but also a really good year at the same time. My oldest daughter is sober. My youngest daughter is thriving at work and minus a 200 pound weight off her shoulders. 

This year broke me down so badly that I fell into the arms of Christ. Literally fell. It reminded me that I can not live this life without being close to my Savior. I just can't do it. And I never would have survived without Jesus. Truly. I'm ready for the next chapter. I want to live the rest of my life full of pure joy. 

I want to remind myself that I will fall again. I will falter again, but God waits for me every single time and I don't deservce His grace, but I sure am thankful for it. 

I want to reinvent myself every single day. I want to thrive, not just survive. My people are good and now it's time for me to be good. I am in a much better place than I started out this year and for that too I am thankful. 

This song speaks to me:

Forgivable

To the guilty and reckless
To the too far gone

You think you don’t deserve
To ever hear the words

Child, welcome back home
All the pain that you’re holding

All the shame that you hide
You think you don’t deserve

To ever hear the words
Child, you’re still mine

Come as you are
Not as you should be

Come to the table
Taste and see

There is a love that won’t let go
Just look at the cross and you will know

No matter how much you messed up 
You are still forgivable

If there is a grace beyond compare
To even the ones who nailed Him there

Then even your guilt and shame
Your worst mistakes can be restored

You are still forgivable
You are still forgivable

Speak to me Lord

 Recently there has been a lot of turmoil in my life from a very unexpected source. I have felt sincerely like my heart was being ripped from my chest. The pain is less each day which I am thankful for. I'm sitting here listening to this song called "Bank" by NeedToBreathe which is a song that God is basically is singing to us. The lyrics are amazing:

I wanna hold you close but never hold you back

Just like the banks to the river

(Oh) And if you ever feel like you are not enough

I'm gonna break all your mirrors

(Oh) I wanna be there when the darkness closes in

To make the truth a little clearer

(Oh) I wanna hold you close but never hold you back

I'll be the banks for your river

This song has a really catchy tune too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqifjBtNzLw

As I am listening, I think to myself, all I really need in this life is God. I have felt so alone going through this turmoil, but at the end of the day as long as I have Christ I am never alone. He has led me to this life and He will lead me through it. Wiser. For sure.

The past 6 months have been so hard for me, but I am emerging stronger than ever and that is a God thing friends. I wish I could count how many times I fall apart and God shows up and puts me back together, like renovating a house over and over. I am a work in progress, but guess what?? I have never lost my faith. I wholeheartedly believe God will save me every single time I am in peril. And He does.

What a miraculous gift!!

And the verse for the day on Bible Gateway is of course hand picked for me as always:

The Lord will vindicate me; your love, Lord, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.

Psalm 138:8

Be Kind

My thoughts have been consumed lately with a co-worker whose husband is battling a very aggressive cancer. I now consider her a friend, but there have been moments when this person and I have not seen eye to eye and all I can think of is how bad that makes me feel now. I’m reminded of a post I read that basically reminds you to be kind because you never know what someone is going through. And I want to extend that to; you never know what they will be going through either. So just be kind always.

Kindness costs nothing. And you honor Christ when you are kind to your fellow man.

I tell my granddaughter all the time when she is being mean to her sister that she needs to think of what Jesus would do because He would never be mean. Jesus leads with love.

This bible verse struck me because it literally mentions “co-worker” and speaks to Jesus kindness:

_____________________________________________________________

2 Corinthians 6:1-13

As God’s co-workers we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. For he says,

“In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.”

I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation.

We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you.  We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.

_____________________________________________________________

Lord today I pray that your loving kindness consumes every cell in my body and I lead with love and kindness from this day forward. Please cover my friend and her husband with your love and please bring them peace Lord. 

In your precious name, amen.

God where you lead I will follow

I'm sitting here about to get ready to go close on a home that I am buying two streets over from Katie. Buying and selling houses is so stressful and as I sit here worrying and listening to my worship music a thought crosses my consciousness, "all you can do is have faith". I gave all of the house stuff to God because I was not equipped to deal with that and everything else in my life. And I trusted God to send me where I needed to be and I feel that He has.

God where you lead I will follow. Amen. 

AND THEN.... this song from TobyMac comes on right before I am about to leave. "Then everything else just falls in line"

.... Lord I feel you. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGukMchIcDE

Looking for a way out, for a way out
I was so caught up that I couldn't find a way out
Find a way out, yeah
Playing through my weakness, can I beat this?

Can I crack this surface?
Into to the deepness, the deepness
Oh, where I've exhausted all my ways, all my ways
And all the noise begins to fade

It's You
Then everything else just falls in line
You
You will always hold this heart of mine
It's You, it's You
Lord, it's You
Then everything else just falls in line

It's You, it's You
Then everything else just falls in line
(Aye, aye, aye, aye)
It's You, it's You
Then everything else just falls in line

I'm into the newness, the new bliss (bliss)
Me and You together, tell me how to loop this
To loop this-this-this-this-this
To go on forever, road of crescendo, goodbye limbo
Like a new day dawning
Show me the window, the window

Where I can see it's You
Then everything else just falls in line
You
You will always hold this heart of mine
It's You (You), it's You (You)
Lord, it's You (You)
Then everything else just falls in line

It's You (You), it's You (You)
Then everything else just falls in line
(Aye, aye, aye, aye)
It's You (You), it's You (You)
Then everything else just falls in line

Don't make no sense without You (without You)
Don't make no sense at all (no sense at all)
Don't make no sense without You (without You)
Don't make no sense at all (no sense at all, no sense at all)

It don't make no sense without You
It don't make no sense at all (no sense at all)
Don't make no sense without You
Don't make no sense at all (no sense at all)

I can't do this life without You
I can't do this life at all (this life at all)
It don't make no sense without You
It don't make no sense at all (no sense at all)

It's You (You, You, You)
(Aye, aye, aye, aye)
It's You (You, You, You)
Then everything else just falls in line
You (You)
You will always hold this heart of mine
It's You (You), it's You (You)
Lord, it's You (You)
Then everything else just falls in line

Ain't no one else
Ain't no one else will do
It's You, it's You
Then everything else just falls in line
Ain't no one else
Ain't no one else will do
It's You, it's You
Then everything else just falls in line

Don't make no sense without You (ain't no one else, ain't no one else will do)
Don't make no sense at all (it's You, it's You)
Don't make no sense without You (ain't no one else, ain't no one else will do)
Don't make no sense at all (it's You, it's You)

Be Reconciled to God

2024 was an interesting year. We didn't really have a normal Christmas this year because I had to keep my house a certain way for showings and I didn't want to keep any presents here that could be easily taken. I did successfully sell my house and buy another one. We close next month. I have learned to trust this process. I have the most amazing realtors and I trust them. That takes a lot of stress off me.

I am still healing from my Bell's palsy. It is a journey for sure. And the immense pain you feel is not something I was prepared for. So many days I have cried and begged God to heal me which He is doing. Today is 3 weeks since my symptoms began and I can move my face and most of the pain is gone. My doctor ordered an MRI that I keep rescheduling because I'm afraid. I need to have faith that it will all work out. 

My love for worship music has been completely renewed. That is how I worship. And I missed it and I need it in my life. 

Today I was listening to Lauren Daigle, You Say.  I love this song. I sent this to my granddaughter who loves going to church and bible study with her friends which makes my heart nearly explode from my chest. I like to think all of my talking about Jesus her whole life has brought her closer to God. 

My life is nearly perfect right now and I know its because God saved me and He continues saving me every single day. I know He led me here and I am so grateful. I have to remind myself how He loves me because life happens and I forget. 

This verse form Bible Gateway popped up for me today so I thought I would share it:

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:  that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.  We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.

2 Corinthians 5:18-20

I love this message! 

Lord remind me to reconcile with you every single day. In Jesus name, amen. 

Why would I doubt you now?

 

Monday afternoon, December 23rd, 2024 I woke up like any normal day, but my neck hurt and I thought for sure I was getting an ear infection. The day prior, I had been trying to get some goo out of my extra bathroom drain with a drain snake and some of the goo shot into my eye, so my eye was not right after that.

I drove my granddaughter home and the rest of the day my neck was killing me.  I happened to glance in the mirror and I was thinking dang my face looks funny. Tuesday morning I woke up early and the face was worse so I immediately scheduled a Teladoc appointment to make sure I was not having a stroke. Why not go to the ER you ask? Because I’ve been twice before for false alarms and they are mean to me and then they charge me an outrageous amount of money for my visit. I would just rather not.

The Teladoc doctor had me go through a series of exercises and diagnosed me with Bell's palsy. He said it looked mild so that was good. I started on meds at around 11AM that same day. Each day has been a struggle because I can’t really eat or drink or hear or speak and my eye won’t close so it is in constant pain and my neck pain STILL has not subsided. It will go away for a minute, but then it comes right back.

I am a reasonably healthy person. I work out; I try to eat right most of the time. I only buy organic produce. I try to do all the things. As I struggle through these daily challenges I keep thinking that I will never take my health for granted again. Maybe that is my lesson.

And as I am sitting here contemplating life, terrified my face will never be the same I realize that I need to give this to God. I cannot do this one alone. I can’t sit around and worry. So I turn on Pandora to my Jeremy Camp station and God speaks to me like He always does. This song from Mercy Me comes on:

Bright Side of Broken

Always look on the bright side
Is what they're sayin'
But the more appropriate cliché
Is easier, easier said than done

I don't wanna hear what I'm going through
Is just a season
Or that my glass should be half full
When it's in, it's in a million pieces

Life's not over yet
So take a breath
'Cause it gets better

'Cause the bright side of being broken
Is a heart that's busted open
With every break, the light will chase
The darkness away

Yeah, the bright side of being broken
Is in the hands that, that are holding
Every piece, reminding me
That it's gonna be okay

It's gonna be okay
Whoa
It's gonna be okay

Even in the darkest times
There's always hope
What we see as a broken mess
Jesus sees a chance to be made whole

Life's not over yet
So take a breath
'Cause it gets better, oh

'Cause the bright side of being broken
Is a heart that's busted open
With every break, the light will chase
The darkness away

Yeah, the bright side of being broken
Is in the hands that, that are holding
Every piece, reminding me
That it's gonna be okay

It's gonna be okay
Whoa
It's gonna be okay

 Bright Side of Broken on YouTube

And all I can think of is “Why would I doubt you now?”

My life is not perfect. I am a sinner and I am broken, but God gave me my babies. He gave me my career. He gave me this heart so full of love and He gave me hope. He saved my oldest daughter, over and over. He gave me another daughter so wise beyond her years that her smile alone literally heals me from the inside out. I have so many gifts from God that I am thankful for.

God is telling me today this is a minor setback and I need to remember that fear and worry are for the faithless. My situation is not ideal, but it could be so much worse and for that I am grateful.

Lord, I hear you. I feel your presence in my life like the lion that is tattooed on my arm and I will overcome.

Amen.

Hey God! It's me Tina!

I have changed so much over the past two years and I am vibrating at a much higher frequency as a result. I can feel the consciousness of the planet rising as well. I became a divine sovereign last year which has allowed me to cast anything evil away from me and back to its source X 2. I got connected to an amazing reiki master who healed me from the inside out. I also became a reiki master myself, although I only use it on myself and my dogs. I got a new puppy. A sweet, tiny white and chocolate Yorkie. I'm still in therapy and I thank God every day for my therapist. I have boundaries now. I never had them before. I see the world through a whole new lens and I still have bad days, but I have a lot more good ones and that is a huge win. I strongly feel that a lot of the Christian doctrines that we were all programmed to follow unconditionally have it all wrong. I feel this because I am beginning to connect to my higher self more and more and this is the message I am getting. I am a lot more intuitive than I ever thought I was. Which is another thing that has come to the surface from all the energy and light work I have been doing. 

Looking back at my past posts I can feel the utter agony in some of them and in others I feel overwhelming joy. Its kind of how life is right? I started this blog because I wanted people to know that even someone as broken as me could know Christ and maybe the person reading my words might feel like they too could get to know Christ. It was a mission based on love. I still feel driven to share this message even though my thoughts on Christianity have changed a bit. I know that Christ was the first truly mystic healer. I know this, but that is not the Jesus you will hear about in the bible. I know there are so many things that Christians do that is so far removed from Christ that they should be ashamed to even say the word Christian. But that is their journey, not mine. And the truly wonderful thing about life is the karmic leveling up that happens. And trust me, I have had my share of karmic leveling. That is why I strive to lead a good life and always do the right things and to be positive and encouraging. And I fail at all of that regularly. No human is immune from sin. 

I wasted a lot of posts on my daughter who is an addict. Those posts are painful to read. I will not do that anymore. This blog is about me and my journey and my message. Not hers. Each message was so hopeful that this would be the moment that she gave up drugs and came back to me. None of them were that moment. And the truth is that until she decides she needs to be sober, she will not be sober. I will continue to hope and pray for her until the day I leave this earth. As a mother, I do not know how to do anything different. 

My life has become something I am really settling into. I have peace and joy and I guard them with my life. I refuse to let anyone or anything steal my joy. Period. I worked way too hard for it. I look forward to every single new day with the giddiness of a child. I am in a groove at work that I am so thankful for. I am 10 days away from my 11th anniversary at my work and when I tell you that was a feat, you better believe it. I am 10 pounds from my goal weight. That is another story entirely. But there is that. I am happy. That is not to say that I don't struggle because what would life be without a struggle here or there? Right? 

I can't say I'll be back on here writing anytime soon. I write a lot in my journal. That has become my therapy as well. But then again, I'm writing only to the universe as I am certain no one ever reads my blog posts, but for some strange reason, I can't let this domain go or this blog, so I'll see you when I see you. 

Peace out!

Lord Thank You

The day after my last post, my daughter did her last drug. I had no idea until a few days later and then life unfolded over the last 30 days and she is safe, with a dear friend and still sober. I begged God to lead her away from her addiction and He literally did it the very next day. I know so well that not every prayer works like this. I know that sometimes you have to sit in that space a lot longer to see how God works, but God WILL WORK IT OUT for you in His time. I'm so happy that His time was so expedient, because we surely would have lost her if it had not been just that. 

We are slowly repairing our relationship and for the first time in probably forever, my daughter can see so clearly how her actions have caused so much hurt and pain. She is taking complete responsibility and she is on such a good path and I could not be more proud of her. 

Life is crazy sometimes. Now that I can stop worrying about her, I can start worrying about me and that too terrifies me a little. Because now I have to confront my own demons and do work on myself and I feel like that is going to be nearly as difficult as this journey with my daughter because nothing has ever been about me, so that gave me a pass not to deal with my own shit. 

Lord, thank You for saving my baby again. Thank You for this amazing life you have given me and thank You for all of my blessings. Lord help me over the next few months to continue doing work on myself so I can finally have healthy relationships and finally heal from my past. I am afraid, but I also have faith that You will guide me towards my best life. 

Her Life Matters Too

 My emotions definitely come in waves. Some days I am strong and efficient and other days I am weak and unfocused. Trying to navigate life with work, self-care, relationships and people while you are also surviving an addict is really hard. Sometimes I wonder how I do it, but its really all I have known for nearly 20 years. In that same time I got married and divorced a few times, built a career from basically nothing, raised two daughters, bought and sold houses and vehicles, lost my dad who was my world and survived it all and maybe even thrived a little on some days. Life does not slow down for PTSD, so you just figure out how to move forward. 

Sometimes I wish I could see into the future so I will know when this nightmare will end. And sometimes I don't even want to know the answer to that because it terrifies me. Standing my ground with my addict daughter gets easier, but there are days when I just want my baby back. My self talk has definitely gotten a lot better. I am not mean to myself anymore. I am just like everyone else, out here trying to do the best I can with what life throws at me. 

I am so thankful for the pandemic. I know that sounds so crazy, but slowing down and sitting in this space has been so therapeutic. I am so grateful that I have been able to stay home and work on my health, both physical and mental. I matter. I know that now. 

Lord, today I want to pray for my daughter. I want her to be successful and to thrive. Lord, take my baby girl's hand and lead her away from this devil. Only You can save her. I know this. Her life matters too. 

Done

Done. It was like a light switch in my brain flipped and just like that I was done. I wanted no more calls from her bail bond people or her drug dealer or her for that matter. So I did what I had to do in order to protect myself and blocked her and everyone around her from my life. And it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Because it has finally given me the peace that I have needed for such a long time. 

My therapist and I agreed that the world was getting about 25% of me because of my codependency with my daughter. What will happen when I have 100% to give the world because of my newfound peace? Great things are already beginning. The universe is opening up and not only do I have peace, but a completely different state of mind. I have hope and I am excited for what the future holds. Not living in dread. 

Letting go is not easy. I did the best I could to raise my child and I definitely failed her and that is OK. I also did not fail her in many more ways than I failed her and that is OK too. Life goes on. We do the best we can with the tools we are given and then we move on with our lives. I am not perfect, I never will be, but I know this...I am a good person. I try to do the right things. I love my tribe fiercely and unapologetically. I am learning to love myself even more. Life is a journey. 

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will live in the house of the Lord Forever.

Psalm 23: 1-6

The Lord is Near!

Worry makes you a prisoner. Stuck. Unable to move, to breath, to live. I have been a prisoner to worry for longer than I can even remember. Letting go of my kid is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can't just switch off the worry. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she safe? A myriad of question swirl in my brain every minute of every day. Maybe cutting her off was a bad idea. I thought I might start to find peace, but I'm just not. 

And at the same time I'm mad at her for putting me through this. And for putting herself and her sons through this. I am taken back to that time that she was high and kicked me so hard I must have flown backward 8 feet. She was 15 or around that age. Her sister called the police and she went to jail. Juvenile jail. I felt like I was the one in jail. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't eat. I was a mess. I worried what she was doing and if someone was hurting her. I finally relented and dropped the charges so she could get out. 

I have PTSD. My youngest does too. Living with an addict for so many years is hard and you learn to live with it unfortunately. Being in denial about her being an addict is hard and letting her go is the absolute worse. I don't know how to do this. All I can do is rely an God and just pray. I have faith that He will make my days and nights easier and that this nightmare will some day be over. And I don't mean from my child dying, I just mean that I want to be able to live and be happy and escape this nightmare. 

The Lord is Near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6

Today I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I blocked my daughter on my phone and social media. I told her good-bye on Facebook and then blocked her. I am already regretting this decision. It hurts my soul, but I have to let her go. I am only enabling her behavior and I am not helping her. I am hindering her. All I can think of is what if something happens. But I have to let that go. 

I saw this on social media today and I immediately thought of my daughter and how I have been fighting so hard to get her sober, but maybe I'm just giving her addiction more power. 

I talked to a friend this past week who fought and won against meth addiction. Hearing her story made me realize I am doing the right thing. But it sure is hard. God help me not to unblock her. God, please let her learn to stand on her own two feet. Lord I need you more than I ever have today. 

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

-Hebrews 11:6

Learning To Let Go

Today I am reminded of God's unfailing love for me. I know that the only path to happiness is through Christ and I wish I had instilled this in my daughters when they were younger. Thinking about my oldest child's struggles, I can't help feeling guilty that my faith was not stronger when she began going down a dark path. But I don't even know if she would have cared back then or if it would have really mattered or that she would have even listened to my words. 

The truth is that God is the only one that can save her. That is not up to me. It never has been. And I can't continue living my life wondering "what if" I had done this or "what if" I had done that. It is already done. I have control of this one moment. Luke 19:10 tells us "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost." I was lost and He saved me. Now she is lost and I know He can save her too. 

I want to learn to live more in the moment. There is so much to be thankful for and each day is truly a gift. When you are the mother of an addict, you are constantly waiting for that phone call that is going to change the course of your life forever. It is hard to live in the moment with the constant worry. But that is my hope and prayer today. I want to revel in the moments I have left on this earth with the people who love me. I am learning to let go. 

What I Need

 I thought I might come back to my last post when things were good and write about how God fixed it all for me, but it appears He is leaving me to be in this moment for longer than I hoped. I'm learning what codependency looks like and its not pretty. I feel like most of my life I have really sought out ways to better myself and my relationships and to work on things, but I don't really think I have done a very good job at this after all. Or maybe I just wasn't in a place to accept this new found information.  

I have used work as a distraction instead of facing my issues, for probably more than 25 years, subconsciously believing that if I'm making and spending money, maybe I won't have to deal with things. I am taking full responsibility for this and my shortcomings and how they have affected my family. This is not easy. I don't want to be judged the same way I don't want anyone else judging my path. 

I'm learning how to let go of my drug addicted daughter and it is even harder than giving birth to her naturally 34 years ago. Way harder. My poor kids. I had my daughter because I was married to a horrible human and I was so lonely. Of course she became my world on day one. I wanted so many things for her, so I pushed her to do things like play basketball. She was really good and had such natural talent I tried to exploit that and became her coach. She hated me so much as her coach, but I would not relent. And one day, she decided to stop going to school and sadly I was talked into letting her quit and basketball was over for us. 

I can still feel the disappointment as if it were yesterday. I'm sure living with me during this time was not easy. My only coping skills back then were drinking. Somehow her sister managed to survive all of that and learn from my eldest's mistakes and in spite of me, become a really awesome person. She teaches me something new every single day and she is such an old soul. Thank God for her. 

I don't know if any of us will survive this dark time. I am really afraid. But God is here with me, I am sure of it. Trying to keep me sane and not let this disruption in my life destroy me and everything I have worked so hard for in my life. Thank God I finally found a therapist I love who is opening my eyes in so many new ways too. It is true, and I have said it before, God really does bring us what we need right when we need it. I need peace. 

Lord, thank you for always showing up for me when I am hurting. Please watch over my babies and their babies and all of the people I so desperately love. But today, I want to pray for myself which I rarely do. I pray that I will find peace and that you are working all of this out for me and I will trust that what ever happens is meant to happen according to your will. I will cling to that. Amen.

God Please Help Me

Well 2020 came and went and I didn't write a word about it. But that seems completely appropriate to me now. I read this today on an IG post "Peace is the process of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than how you think it should be." I won't lie, peace has always seemed elusive to me. When you have a child who is an addict, peace will elude you. Trust me. And when you feel you can't go on, you do and then you keep going. I want to give up. I want peace. I need hope in my life. I need God right now. More than ever. I am struggling. 

Prior to about a week ago I was happy. Content. Life was good. I had everything I could ever need or want. And then life took a shit on me again. Shit happens. Am I right? 

Over the past 6 months I have watched a lot of documentaries about near death experiences. I also read Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian Weiss where he sort of accidentally fell into doing past life regressions with a client and it literally changed his life. So he wrote about it. A lot and I love his books. Sometimes I feel like the only way to escape my life is by dying. Then I could start over. But I have so many people in my life that would be destroyed by this, so I stay. For them. 

Sorry this post is so raw, but that's just where I am right now. 

Go please help me.