The Lord is Near!

Worry makes you a prisoner. Stuck. Unable to move, to breath, to live. I have been a prisoner to worry for longer than I can even remember. Letting go of my kid is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can't just switch off the worry. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she safe? A myriad of question swirl in my brain every minute of every day. Maybe cutting her off was a bad idea. I thought I might start to find peace, but I'm just not. 

And at the same time I'm mad at her for putting me through this. And for putting herself and her sons through this. I am taken back to that time that she was high and kicked me so hard I must have flown backward 8 feet. She was 15 or around that age. Her sister called the police and she went to jail. Juvenile jail. I felt like I was the one in jail. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't eat. I was a mess. I worried what she was doing and if someone was hurting her. I finally relented and dropped the charges so she could get out. 

I have PTSD. My youngest does too. Living with an addict for so many years is hard and you learn to live with it unfortunately. Being in denial about her being an addict is hard and letting her go is the absolute worse. I don't know how to do this. All I can do is rely an God and just pray. I have faith that He will make my days and nights easier and that this nightmare will some day be over. And I don't mean from my child dying, I just mean that I want to be able to live and be happy and escape this nightmare. 

The Lord is Near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6