Lord Thank You

The day after my last post, my daughter did her last drug. I had no idea until a few days later and then life unfolded over the last 30 days and she is safe, with a dear friend and still sober. I begged God to lead her away from her addiction and He literally did it the very next day. I know so well that not every prayer works like this. I know that sometimes you have to sit in that space a lot longer to see how God works, but God WILL WORK IT OUT for you in His time. I'm so happy that His time was so expedient, because we surely would have lost her if it had not been just that. 

We are slowly repairing our relationship and for the first time in probably forever, my daughter can see so clearly how her actions have caused so much hurt and pain. She is taking complete responsibility and she is on such a good path and I could not be more proud of her. 

Life is crazy sometimes. Now that I can stop worrying about her, I can start worrying about me and that too terrifies me a little. Because now I have to confront my own demons and do work on myself and I feel like that is going to be nearly as difficult as this journey with my daughter because nothing has ever been about me, so that gave me a pass not to deal with my own shit. 

Lord, thank You for saving my baby again. Thank You for this amazing life you have given me and thank You for all of my blessings. Lord help me over the next few months to continue doing work on myself so I can finally have healthy relationships and finally heal from my past. I am afraid, but I also have faith that You will guide me towards my best life. 

Her Life Matters Too

 My emotions definitely come in waves. Some days I am strong and efficient and other days I am weak and unfocused. Trying to navigate life with work, self-care, relationships and people while you are also surviving an addict is really hard. Sometimes I wonder how I do it, but its really all I have known for nearly 20 years. In that same time I got married and divorced a few times, built a career from basically nothing, raised two daughters, bought and sold houses and vehicles, lost my dad who was my world and survived it all and maybe even thrived a little on some days. Life does not slow down for PTSD, so you just figure out how to move forward. 

Sometimes I wish I could see into the future so I will know when this nightmare will end. And sometimes I don't even want to know the answer to that because it terrifies me. Standing my ground with my addict daughter gets easier, but there are days when I just want my baby back. My self talk has definitely gotten a lot better. I am not mean to myself anymore. I am just like everyone else, out here trying to do the best I can with what life throws at me. 

I am so thankful for the pandemic. I know that sounds so crazy, but slowing down and sitting in this space has been so therapeutic. I am so grateful that I have been able to stay home and work on my health, both physical and mental. I matter. I know that now. 

Lord, today I want to pray for my daughter. I want her to be successful and to thrive. Lord, take my baby girl's hand and lead her away from this devil. Only You can save her. I know this. Her life matters too. 

Done

Done. It was like a light switch in my brain flipped and just like that I was done. I wanted no more calls from her bail bond people or her drug dealer or her for that matter. So I did what I had to do in order to protect myself and blocked her and everyone around her from my life. And it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Because it has finally given me the peace that I have needed for such a long time. 

My therapist and I agreed that the world was getting about 25% of me because of my codependency with my daughter. What will happen when I have 100% to give the world because of my newfound peace? Great things are already beginning. The universe is opening up and not only do I have peace, but a completely different state of mind. I have hope and I am excited for what the future holds. Not living in dread. 

Letting go is not easy. I did the best I could to raise my child and I definitely failed her and that is OK. I also did not fail her in many more ways than I failed her and that is OK too. Life goes on. We do the best we can with the tools we are given and then we move on with our lives. I am not perfect, I never will be, but I know this...I am a good person. I try to do the right things. I love my tribe fiercely and unapologetically. I am learning to love myself even more. Life is a journey. 

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will live in the house of the Lord Forever.

Psalm 23: 1-6

The Lord is Near!

Worry makes you a prisoner. Stuck. Unable to move, to breath, to live. I have been a prisoner to worry for longer than I can even remember. Letting go of my kid is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can't just switch off the worry. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she safe? A myriad of question swirl in my brain every minute of every day. Maybe cutting her off was a bad idea. I thought I might start to find peace, but I'm just not. 

And at the same time I'm mad at her for putting me through this. And for putting herself and her sons through this. I am taken back to that time that she was high and kicked me so hard I must have flown backward 8 feet. She was 15 or around that age. Her sister called the police and she went to jail. Juvenile jail. I felt like I was the one in jail. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't eat. I was a mess. I worried what she was doing and if someone was hurting her. I finally relented and dropped the charges so she could get out. 

I have PTSD. My youngest does too. Living with an addict for so many years is hard and you learn to live with it unfortunately. Being in denial about her being an addict is hard and letting her go is the absolute worse. I don't know how to do this. All I can do is rely an God and just pray. I have faith that He will make my days and nights easier and that this nightmare will some day be over. And I don't mean from my child dying, I just mean that I want to be able to live and be happy and escape this nightmare. 

The Lord is Near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6

Today I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I blocked my daughter on my phone and social media. I told her good-bye on Facebook and then blocked her. I am already regretting this decision. It hurts my soul, but I have to let her go. I am only enabling her behavior and I am not helping her. I am hindering her. All I can think of is what if something happens. But I have to let that go. 

I saw this on social media today and I immediately thought of my daughter and how I have been fighting so hard to get her sober, but maybe I'm just giving her addiction more power. 

I talked to a friend this past week who fought and won against meth addiction. Hearing her story made me realize I am doing the right thing. But it sure is hard. God help me not to unblock her. God, please let her learn to stand on her own two feet. Lord I need you more than I ever have today. 

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

-Hebrews 11:6

Learning To Let Go

Today I am reminded of God's unfailing love for me. I know that the only path to happiness is through Christ and I wish I had instilled this in my daughters when they were younger. Thinking about my oldest child's struggles, I can't help feeling guilty that my faith was not stronger when she began going down a dark path. But I don't even know if she would have cared back then or if it would have really mattered or that she would have even listened to my words. 

The truth is that God is the only one that can save her. That is not up to me. It never has been. And I can't continue living my life wondering "what if" I had done this or "what if" I had done that. It is already done. I have control of this one moment. Luke 19:10 tells us "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost." I was lost and He saved me. Now she is lost and I know He can save her too. 

I want to learn to live more in the moment. There is so much to be thankful for and each day is truly a gift. When you are the mother of an addict, you are constantly waiting for that phone call that is going to change the course of your life forever. It is hard to live in the moment with the constant worry. But that is my hope and prayer today. I want to revel in the moments I have left on this earth with the people who love me. I am learning to let go. 

What I Need

 I thought I might come back to my last post when things were good and write about how God fixed it all for me, but it appears He is leaving me to be in this moment for longer than I hoped. I'm learning what codependency looks like and its not pretty. I feel like most of my life I have really sought out ways to better myself and my relationships and to work on things, but I don't really think I have done a very good job at this after all. Or maybe I just wasn't in a place to accept this new found information.  

I have used work as a distraction instead of facing my issues, for probably more than 25 years, subconsciously believing that if I'm making and spending money, maybe I won't have to deal with things. I am taking full responsibility for this and my shortcomings and how they have affected my family. This is not easy. I don't want to be judged the same way I don't want anyone else judging my path. 

I'm learning how to let go of my drug addicted daughter and it is even harder than giving birth to her naturally 34 years ago. Way harder. My poor kids. I had my daughter because I was married to a horrible human and I was so lonely. Of course she became my world on day one. I wanted so many things for her, so I pushed her to do things like play basketball. She was really good and had such natural talent I tried to exploit that and became her coach. She hated me so much as her coach, but I would not relent. And one day, she decided to stop going to school and sadly I was talked into letting her quit and basketball was over for us. 

I can still feel the disappointment as if it were yesterday. I'm sure living with me during this time was not easy. My only coping skills back then were drinking. Somehow her sister managed to survive all of that and learn from my eldest's mistakes and in spite of me, become a really awesome person. She teaches me something new every single day and she is such an old soul. Thank God for her. 

I don't know if any of us will survive this dark time. I am really afraid. But God is here with me, I am sure of it. Trying to keep me sane and not let this disruption in my life destroy me and everything I have worked so hard for in my life. Thank God I finally found a therapist I love who is opening my eyes in so many new ways too. It is true, and I have said it before, God really does bring us what we need right when we need it. I need peace. 

Lord, thank you for always showing up for me when I am hurting. Please watch over my babies and their babies and all of the people I so desperately love. But today, I want to pray for myself which I rarely do. I pray that I will find peace and that you are working all of this out for me and I will trust that what ever happens is meant to happen according to your will. I will cling to that. Amen.

God Please Help Me

Well 2020 came and went and I didn't write a word about it. But that seems completely appropriate to me now. I read this today on an IG post "Peace is the process of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than how you think it should be." I won't lie, peace has always seemed elusive to me. When you have a child who is an addict, peace will elude you. Trust me. And when you feel you can't go on, you do and then you keep going. I want to give up. I want peace. I need hope in my life. I need God right now. More than ever. I am struggling. 

Prior to about a week ago I was happy. Content. Life was good. I had everything I could ever need or want. And then life took a shit on me again. Shit happens. Am I right? 

Over the past 6 months I have watched a lot of documentaries about near death experiences. I also read Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian Weiss where he sort of accidentally fell into doing past life regressions with a client and it literally changed his life. So he wrote about it. A lot and I love his books. Sometimes I feel like the only way to escape my life is by dying. Then I could start over. But I have so many people in my life that would be destroyed by this, so I stay. For them. 

Sorry this post is so raw, but that's just where I am right now. 

Go please help me.