Done

Done. It was like a light switch in my brain flipped and just like that I was done. I wanted no more calls from her bail bond people or her drug dealer or her for that matter. So I did what I had to do in order to protect myself and blocked her and everyone around her from my life. And it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Because it has finally given me the peace that I have needed for such a long time. 

My therapist and I agreed that the world was getting about 25% of me because of my codependency with my daughter. What will happen when I have 100% to give the world because of my newfound peace? Great things are already beginning. The universe is opening up and not only do I have peace, but a completely different state of mind. I have hope and I am excited for what the future holds. Not living in dread. 

Letting go is not easy. I did the best I could to raise my child and I definitely failed her and that is OK. I also did not fail her in many more ways than I failed her and that is OK too. Life goes on. We do the best we can with the tools we are given and then we move on with our lives. I am not perfect, I never will be, but I know this...I am a good person. I try to do the right things. I love my tribe fiercely and unapologetically. I am learning to love myself even more. Life is a journey. 

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will live in the house of the Lord Forever.

Psalm 23: 1-6

The Lord is Near!

Worry makes you a prisoner. Stuck. Unable to move, to breath, to live. I have been a prisoner to worry for longer than I can even remember. Letting go of my kid is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can't just switch off the worry. Where is she? What is she doing? Is she safe? A myriad of question swirl in my brain every minute of every day. Maybe cutting her off was a bad idea. I thought I might start to find peace, but I'm just not. 

And at the same time I'm mad at her for putting me through this. And for putting herself and her sons through this. I am taken back to that time that she was high and kicked me so hard I must have flown backward 8 feet. She was 15 or around that age. Her sister called the police and she went to jail. Juvenile jail. I felt like I was the one in jail. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, couldn't eat. I was a mess. I worried what she was doing and if someone was hurting her. I finally relented and dropped the charges so she could get out. 

I have PTSD. My youngest does too. Living with an addict for so many years is hard and you learn to live with it unfortunately. Being in denial about her being an addict is hard and letting her go is the absolute worse. I don't know how to do this. All I can do is rely an God and just pray. I have faith that He will make my days and nights easier and that this nightmare will some day be over. And I don't mean from my child dying, I just mean that I want to be able to live and be happy and escape this nightmare. 

The Lord is Near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6

Today I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I blocked my daughter on my phone and social media. I told her good-bye on Facebook and then blocked her. I am already regretting this decision. It hurts my soul, but I have to let her go. I am only enabling her behavior and I am not helping her. I am hindering her. All I can think of is what if something happens. But I have to let that go. 

I saw this on social media today and I immediately thought of my daughter and how I have been fighting so hard to get her sober, but maybe I'm just giving her addiction more power. 

I talked to a friend this past week who fought and won against meth addiction. Hearing her story made me realize I am doing the right thing. But it sure is hard. God help me not to unblock her. God, please let her learn to stand on her own two feet. Lord I need you more than I ever have today. 

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

-Hebrews 11:6