Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life has come into question this year. Lord knows I have seen so many dark days in my life and managed to drag myself from the pit of despair over and over again. Maybe that is my calling. Maybe that is the only thing I'm really good at so I'm back in that pit to prove to myself that this is where I belong. I thought life was supposed to get better when you got older, but it really doesn't. You just have different problems. Its the same thing with jobs, they are never better....just different. The best thing I can do is to live my life without any hope of a future that provides happiness or joy, without any expectation of having anything I really truly want in life, but merely existing instead. No. Surviving, not existing. Existing is too optimistic. I just want to survive each day. That's all.
The clock keeps ticking and this year will soon come to an end while marking the worst year of my life to date. I am left feeling that I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve a partner in life. I don't deserve success. I don't deserve my amazing daughters. I deserve darkness and despair. I deserve to spend my days working or crying or both.
Sometimes in order to move on you just have to figure out where you stand and this is where I stand. I surrender. I have nothing left. I'm so broken and lost and I don't even have a message of encouragement today. I'm crying out for Jesus because no one can fix me but Him.
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