Good Bye 2015

So long and good riddance to the worse year of my life. My year started out ok, but then my brother had a heart attack and then I was devastated by an event that took place at work. I was lonely and my loneliness grew exponentially as the year progressed. Menopause got the best of me and the fatter I got the more angry and bitter I became. All of these things are a recipe for disaster. And then disaster came. Each setback left me thinking that I had hit rock bottom and maybe now I could move foward and each second led to another minute of Hell that stretched to hours of agony and then days and months of despair. My last minutes of my 40's ended with a message from God. Such a silly thing, but it was a message. The same verse that was tattooed on my leg ended up on BibleGateway on my birthday. It was a sign from God that my life wasn't over, but my dark days were.

And then the love of my life texted me and told me that he would do anything to be with me again. I tried to tell him he didn't want my fat ugly ass, but he would not entertain a life without me. God brought him back to me a different man and I can't imagine a life without him in it.

You will never know the love that Jesus has for you without experiencing the darkness. And just when you think you see the light, its tough to learn that the darkness still won't leave you, but you have to remain faithful because all of these things are meant for our true happiness. All of the disappointments and downfalls are just God's way of moving in our lives and getting us to move as well. God knows me better than I know myself and He knew that disaster was the only way to shake me out of the hole I had dug for myself so as much as I have beaten myself up over my situation and these events that I thought would break me, I have to know that this was God's way of moving me where I needed to be.

I am reminded of the fact that the closer I am to God the clearer I will be able to hear His voice. I once heard this message from a female pastor and I really believe it to be true. I like to think that I am always close to God but there are times when my ego just gets in the way and I can't hear anything because of it. Not God or anyone for that matter. I desperately want to change this. I will change this.

I'm happy 2015 is over and I am looking forward to a new year in which I just want to do something different every single day. I don't want to do the same things I've been doing or go the same places or see the same people. I want each day to bring me a new challenge and new surprise and I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to achieve this, but this is my plan. I just want to live a different life than I have been living. I'm not sure what that looks like just yet, but I am excited for 2016.

I am 50 years old and my life is not over, in fact it is just beginning. I was watching Biography recently and learned that Morgan Freeman did not have a breakthrough performance in his career until he was .... guess what age? 50!! All of these amazing works he has done have been after that milestone. As I watched that I could literally hear God saying to me, "see??? Morgan Freeman did it?" and it made me so optimistic about my future.

Life doesn't have to end at 50! For some of us, it is just the beginning. I have always been considered a late bloomer. I was so homely as a child and let's be honest I'm no Angelina, but I am no longer homely. It just makes sense that my life would really begin for me at 50. So I am going to begin the next chapter of my life with a new outlook, a new (old) love and the assurance that God is with me, God is guiding me and God is helping me (The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale) !!

From the same book  I will close with this quote...

--Never be defeated by the discouraging vicissitudes of the game!--

Because in the game of life I choose NEVER to be defeated!

Happy Birthday!

This has been the most challenging year of my life by far. Terrible things happened to me that I could never in my wildest dreams have predicted would happen. I have had struggles. I have experienced crippling depression and I have pretty much hated everyone and everything. But the worse part of all of this is that I sort of forgot to give it all to God. I went through life thinking I had control. I could fix this and as a result my ego grew. A lot. That chip I once had on my shoulder returned and I felt that I could do no wrong. This is a terrible place to be.

So I did what worked for me 10 years ago when I had similar struggles. I opened up my Norman Vincent Peale, Power of Positive Thinking book and began reading. How can a book written in the 1950's speak to me like this? I have no idea but it does. Every single time I read it, this book alters my perception of life.

This book reminds me that I am nothing without God. All of the power within the universe is mine to harness, but that can only happen through God who created it all and is the power source. This book helps me wrestle my ego to the ground and kill it and this book will be a part of my every day life forever for that very reason. I don't have control, God does. And if I want my life to change the only way to do that is with God's help.

God sent me the most amazing reminder of this today when I opened my Bible Gateway app this morning and I see this verse of the day...

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
John 11:25

This verse is tattooed on my leg. Today is my 50th birthday. There are 365 days in a year and over 31 THOUSAND verses in the Bible. What are the odds that this particular verse would end up on my app on my birthday? Immediately Romans 8:31 entered my mind....If God be for us who can be against us?? I feel like Jesus just said Happy Birthday Tina, now let's make the next 50 the best 50. I'm still in shock and awe as I write this. And the abundance of joy and peace and energy that I feel is insurmountable.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I can not sit here and waste my time doing nothing when God is affirming me SO PROFOUNDLY! Today is the first day of the rest of my life and its going to be EPIC!!!

Crying Out for Jesus

Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life has come into question this year. Lord knows I have seen so many dark days in my life and managed to drag myself from the pit of despair over and over again. Maybe that is my calling. Maybe that is the only thing I'm really good at so I'm back in that pit to prove to myself that this is where I belong. I thought life was supposed to get better when you got older, but it really doesn't. You just have different problems. Its the same thing with jobs, they are never better....just different. The best thing I can do is to live my life without any hope of a future that provides happiness or joy, without any expectation of having anything I really truly want in life, but merely existing instead. No. Surviving, not existing. Existing is too optimistic. I just want to survive each day. That's all.

The clock keeps ticking and this year will soon come to an end while marking the worst year of my life to date.  I am left feeling that I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve a partner in life. I don't deserve success. I don't deserve my amazing daughters. I deserve darkness and despair. I deserve to spend my days working or crying or both.

Sometimes in order to move on you just have to figure out where you stand and this is where I stand. I surrender. I have nothing left. I'm so broken and lost and I don't even have a message of encouragement today. I'm crying out for Jesus because no one can fix me but Him.

Hold Me Jesus

Looking back on some of my older posts today reminds me of what a strong presence the Lord has in my life on a daily basis. I might have one or two days of menopause-induced hysteria, but I will always come back to Jesus and feel grounded and thank Him for loving me so much.

Right now I'm going through one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced in my life. I'm trying to find the lesson that this is teaching me, but I'm not sure I have those answers yet. When I think about the outcome of my troubles I no longer worry because I feel God fixing things. I know that sounds strange, but I feel Him moving through that space where my troubles lie and sort of putting all the pieces in place so that I will be ok.  That thought brings me peace. With Him I am never alone. God always has my back. But it took me so long to get here.

I am not perfect. I am broken. I am a sinner. I have so many things I need to work on, but I need to remind myself that sometimes I just need to sit alone and soak in God's presence like a sponge. I need Him in my life, but I often get so absorbed with working and being successful at work and taking care of everyone in my life that I forget about what feeds my own soul and that is my communion with God. Lord please forgive me for this. Please forgive me for not connecting with you the way I should.

Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all.....

Its the beginning to a song that came on today that reminded me that sometimes my life doesn't make sense either. I don't have all the answers and I can't predict the future. All I can do is have faith. The faith of a mustard seed is all I need and let me tell you my faith is way bigger than that, so I will wait for the Lord to fix my troubles and to guide me toward the path He has laid out ahead of me.

My message today is this; sometimes we mess up big time in life. We fall. We falter and we sin, but that sin does not define us or diminish the love God has for us. So pick yourself up and dust yourself off and thank God for giving you another day to breath and live and learn. And remind yourself that 5 years from now none of your troubles of this day will even be remembered, but what will be remembered is God's love.

Don't Judge My Path

Today I am compelled to tell a story about a Christian I once knew. Granted our relationship had become one of just reading each other's posts on Facebook, but nonetheless she was once a friend. I unfriended her after she went on a rant about Planned Parenthood. I could have just not followed her, but that wasn't sending as clear of a message as I wanted to send. What I want to say to her is this....

Why don't you climb down from your ivory tower and go volunteer at a Planned Parenthood facility. If you really love Jesus the way you say you do then why are you just bitching about this subject on Facebook and not doing something about it? Instead of judging someone else's path why not seek them out and understand them and counsel them and tell them that no matter what they have done God still loves them. Tell them that they can still have a deep, meaningful relationship with Christ because they don't think they can and that breaks my heart. Maybe you could save a life. Maybe you loathe Planned Parenthood because God has put it on your heart and instead of honoring Him you are just being that same Christian that half the world can not stomach who sits around complaining and judging and never does a thing to help humanity.

Why is it that people who are in church every Sunday and then some think they have the right tell us how condemned we are because we don't. Or to go on a rant condemning every woman who has ever chosen to terminate a pregnancy just because they never did. I am neither pro-life nor pro-choice. I simply believe that abortion should not be an option, but I have never walked in their shoes so I don't honestly know which path I would have chosen had I done so. And for that very reason I can not fathom telling them that what they have done is unforgivable or to boycott Starbucks for supporting an organization that may have saved their life while terminating another. I'm not going to be that person.

For so many years I loathed homeless people begging on the streets for money. I work really hard to provide for my family so the thought of just begging for beer money made me kind of sick. But who am I to judge them when I am just one paycheck away from homelessness myself? It made me think of how Jesus still loved me with all of my many flaws, but not just me...he loves everyone; murderers, rapists, prostitutes, homeless people and judgmental Christians.

One day, I found myself filled with compassion for the homeless, so I would rifle through my purse every time I saw one on the streets with a sign and give them what ever cash I had. Now I carry this with me:

And let me tell you that it feels SO GOOD every time I give one of these to a homeless person on the street. It fills my heart with joy and peace and love. I wonder if Jesus felt like that when he was ministering to the broken? And trust me when I say that I have had many well-meaning Christians say to me "they are just going to buy beer with that money". So what? I still sent them a message from God and once I give it to them that money is no longer mine. It is theirs.

And maybe I am naive, but I truly believe one of these cards will save a soul. So I will endeavor to give them to as many homeless people as I can for the rest of my life. Imagine how we could change the world if we could just convince all of those Christian's sitting in church every Sunday and then some to do the same?

The moral of my story today is simple. Don't judge my path when you are not on it!

Isaiah 58: v 6 - 8

Set free those who are held by chains without any reason.
    Untie the ropes that hold people as slaves.
Set free those who are crushed.
    Break every evil chain.
Share your food with hungry people.
    Provide homeless people with a place to stay.
Give naked people clothes to wear.
    Provide for the needs of your own family.
Then the light of my blessing will shine on you like the rising sun.
    I will heal you quickly.
I will march out ahead of you.
    And my glory will follow behind you and guard you.

Shaken

I recently read a post of a family member about Jesus being make believe. I can't fault her for feeling that way. I think that God purposely puts non-believers in our lives so we can challenge them and vice versa. It speaks to the yin and the yang of the universe in my humble opinion. And if I'm being honest there are some believers that I can't even stomach because they are all up in your face about Jesus. I think that is equally as offensive as the non-believers posting about Jesus being a fictional character. I really do.

All I can tell you is that God will bring you to your knees one day. It will happen. And you can choose to smite Him or you can choose to follow Him. Trust me, He's got all the time in the world to save your soul. And if you think that you are too far gone or too much of a sinner, think again! Your sin will not affect His longing to save you.

Everywhere I turn lately I'm reminded of God's love for me. I saw it today peaking through the clouds. A friend emailed me a bible verse and it brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me that God is all around me. He fills up the room I'm in and He gives me hope even when I think my sin is just too big this time, He reassures me that He's got this. He is declaring war on my enemies even while I sleep. He is moving the universe right now to fix the mess I have made of my life and He's doing the same thing for you.

God knows us better than we know ourselves. He will sit on the sidelines and watch for so long before He will shake  us to our core and my advice to you which I will try to follow myself more diligently is to revel in these moments. Delight in them. Find joy in them and most importantly find peace in them. He only shakes the ones He loves the most.

To some He might seem like a fictional character, but to others He is more real and prevalent than that cup of coffee you had this morning. And if you want to find real happiness in your life, then you simply must recognize the One who made you. My family member who posted about Jesus is one of the most unhappy people I know. I wish I could tell her its because she doesn't know Christ and that NOTHING she could ever do could remove God from her life. Not her neglect, not her sin, not her absolute refusal to believe in Him.

My life may not be perfect and I may be going through one of the toughest battles I've ever fought, but if I didn't have God right now I would never survive this struggle. And He keeps showing up to remind me that He is here and every single time He does I am moved beyond words because I feel like I am a useless pile of nothing. But He would never waste His time on a useless pile of nothing.

Dear Lord - I do not know what I have done to deserve your Holy presence in my life, but I will try and do a better job of trusting You and letting you handle my problems. I love You with all my heart.
In your precious name......amen.

Lord I Trust In You

In this life there is no such thing as perfection. We might strive for it because of our inflated egos, but we will never reach perfection. What IS perfect is God's love for us. Even at our lowest and most vulnerable moments He is there rooting for us. Even when we least expect it and never ever feel deserving of it He is making things fall into place in order to teach us and guide us and sadly sometimes to wake us from our stupor. 

I think it is so important to realize that the more imperfect you are the more He loves you. I feel sad for those who blame God for their struggles, because the truth is that He gives us troubles to pull us closer. Some rebel. Others appreciate. And I personally have done both. God is the architect of this life you are living whether you choose to believe it or not. All you have to do is connect and believe and you will see His path and suddenly all of the road blocks and sadness and strife will turn into successes and elation and a better life. 

My life has changed so much since I became a believer and yet I sin daily and I am certain that I disappoint God often, but I feel His presence so deeply in everything that I do at the same time. I know it just doesn't seem possible, but I am telling you the truth. 

Life has certainly gotten the best of me lately and I have not been connecting with God at all and as a result I feel like a mean person full of anger and bitterness and sort of pissed off at the entire world. The farther I get from God the angrier I become and then out of the clear blue sky (Forrest Gump Reference) God reminds me why I am here. And while I'm sitting alone at rock bottom God is making sure that my life doesn't crumble around me. Even when I am powerless and can not move, God moves for me. 

Psalm 143:8(NIV)

 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.

Alive in Christ

When I share the message of Jesus Christ I feel alive! I tell people that God puts us through tough times to pull us closer to Him, but I didn't stop to think of how much closer I feel to Him by sharing that very message. Sometimes its all about perspective.

My brother recently suffered a heart attack. He is a diabetic and prone to heart disease. He doesn't take care of himself at all so his risk is even higher. At first he was going to have stents which he had done 4 years ago, then they said it would be a bypass and then they went back to stents because his main artery is damaged and a bypass is probably not on the table for him.

I ministered to him big time. I prayed and begged God to save my baby brother the same way he had saved my daughter so many years ago. Over the course of the week this was all happening I thought of nothing but saving my brother's soul because I don't know if he is a believer and I need him to be.

After the stent procedure I expected him to wake up and be a changed man. I expected him to say that God saved him and his life was forever changed. Much to my dismay, this did not happen and I was sad and kind of mad that I wasted all those prayers on  him. I feel terrible saying that. And then the Holy Spirit spoke to me again and made me realize that perhaps none of this was for my brother at all. Perhaps God was missing me and that person He was pulling closer to Him was me.

I still want to save my brother. I will never give up on that. Or him. But I realize now that I have to talk about Christ MORE OFTEN and I have to tell the world how He has changed me and how deeply in love I am with Him. You see, I could not breathe without worshipping my King. I couldn't live a moment in that space now that I walk with Christ. I would rather die. And I don't share that enough.

My blog is a place for sinners to go to find solace in Christ. To find their space with Christ so I have to always be real and say to you that I sin daily. But God still loves me. I endeavor to be a better Christian daily, but I fall short and that's ok because God has already given me grace and died for my sins. That doesn't mean I have a free pass. It just means that I spite my Maker when I sin and I don't want to do that.

No matter what your walk looks like today, I would encourage you to just go deeper and to find Christ and worship more deeply. Right now. Where ever you are just tell God you love Him and thank Him for giving you this glorious day to be alive! If you have never done that before don't be afraid. God is accessible to all of us whether we go to church or not. We are all sinners. No one is better than you. And no one can dictate what your walk with Christ looks like. It is your path. Your journey. So take it!!!

Lord today I just want to thank you for helping me minister to my brother and giving me those words that I felt he needed to hear at the very moment he needed to hear them. And thank You for pulling me closer to You this week and reminding me how it feels to tell others about the impact You have had in my life! Lord help me be a better Christian and a better servant today and every day. In your precious son's name....amen!