Learning To Let Go

Today I am reminded of God's unfailing love for me. I know that the only path to happiness is through Christ and I wish I had instilled this in my daughters when they were younger. Thinking about my oldest child's struggles, I can't help feeling guilty that my faith was not stronger when she began going down a dark path. But I don't even know if she would have cared back then or if it would have really mattered or that she would have even listened to my words. 

The truth is that God is the only one that can save her. That is not up to me. It never has been. And I can't continue living my life wondering "what if" I had done this or "what if" I had done that. It is already done. I have control of this one moment. Luke 19:10 tells us "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost." I was lost and He saved me. Now she is lost and I know He can save her too. 

I want to learn to live more in the moment. There is so much to be thankful for and each day is truly a gift. When you are the mother of an addict, you are constantly waiting for that phone call that is going to change the course of your life forever. It is hard to live in the moment with the constant worry. But that is my hope and prayer today. I want to revel in the moments I have left on this earth with the people who love me. I am learning to let go. 

What I Need

 I thought I might come back to my last post when things were good and write about how God fixed it all for me, but it appears He is leaving me to be in this moment for longer than I hoped. I'm learning what codependency looks like and its not pretty. I feel like most of my life I have really sought out ways to better myself and my relationships and to work on things, but I don't really think I have done a very good job at this after all. Or maybe I just wasn't in a place to accept this new found information.  

I have used work as a distraction instead of facing my issues, for probably more than 25 years, subconsciously believing that if I'm making and spending money, maybe I won't have to deal with things. I am taking full responsibility for this and my shortcomings and how they have affected my family. This is not easy. I don't want to be judged the same way I don't want anyone else judging my path. 

I'm learning how to let go of my drug addicted daughter and it is even harder than giving birth to her naturally 34 years ago. Way harder. My poor kids. I had my daughter because I was married to a horrible human and I was so lonely. Of course she became my world on day one. I wanted so many things for her, so I pushed her to do things like play basketball. She was really good and had such natural talent I tried to exploit that and became her coach. She hated me so much as her coach, but I would not relent. And one day, she decided to stop going to school and sadly I was talked into letting her quit and basketball was over for us. 

I can still feel the disappointment as if it were yesterday. I'm sure living with me during this time was not easy. My only coping skills back then were drinking. Somehow her sister managed to survive all of that and learn from my eldest's mistakes and in spite of me, become a really awesome person. She teaches me something new every single day and she is such an old soul. Thank God for her. 

I don't know if any of us will survive this dark time. I am really afraid. But God is here with me, I am sure of it. Trying to keep me sane and not let this disruption in my life destroy me and everything I have worked so hard for in my life. Thank God I finally found a therapist I love who is opening my eyes in so many new ways too. It is true, and I have said it before, God really does bring us what we need right when we need it. I need peace. 

Lord, thank you for always showing up for me when I am hurting. Please watch over my babies and their babies and all of the people I so desperately love. But today, I want to pray for myself which I rarely do. I pray that I will find peace and that you are working all of this out for me and I will trust that what ever happens is meant to happen according to your will. I will cling to that. Amen.

God Please Help Me

Well 2020 came and went and I didn't write a word about it. But that seems completely appropriate to me now. I read this today on an IG post "Peace is the process of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than how you think it should be." I won't lie, peace has always seemed elusive to me. When you have a child who is an addict, peace will elude you. Trust me. And when you feel you can't go on, you do and then you keep going. I want to give up. I want peace. I need hope in my life. I need God right now. More than ever. I am struggling. 

Prior to about a week ago I was happy. Content. Life was good. I had everything I could ever need or want. And then life took a shit on me again. Shit happens. Am I right? 

Over the past 6 months I have watched a lot of documentaries about near death experiences. I also read Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian Weiss where he sort of accidentally fell into doing past life regressions with a client and it literally changed his life. So he wrote about it. A lot and I love his books. Sometimes I feel like the only way to escape my life is by dying. Then I could start over. But I have so many people in my life that would be destroyed by this, so I stay. For them. 

Sorry this post is so raw, but that's just where I am right now. 

Go please help me.