12/05/2018 - My daughter had to go out of town this week WHILE Mercury is in Retrograde. I hate the thought of her flying alone, much less staying alone in hotels etc. I was a hot mess. Way worse than normal and I just didn't know why so I convinced myself it was because something terrible WAS going to happen. Now fast forward to me taking my granddaughter to school on Tuesday. I had a straight up panic attack on the way home and I convinced myself that my daughter's plane crashed at that very moment. I could not shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen the entire day. I go back to get my granddaughter that afternoon and I'm a lot less shaky, but still not feeling well and I still have anxiety. When I get to my exit I think that the tire sounds really bad all of a sudden. I knew it was a little low, but I thought still drivable. I was driving 77 for about the last mile before exiting. I get home and the tire is of course junk. It was probably flat the entire trip and back twice.
Today I'm sitting here and I realize that God literally saved our lives. That tire could have blown while I was driving 77 miles an hour. That tire could have been flat for a while before my daughter even knew it so there is no telling how many times all of our lives were put in jeopardy over that tire and yet God kept it rolling until I got a quarter of a mile from my house. GOD DID THAT! And now all my petty worries about my my daughter seem so stupid. It wasn't my daughter that was at risk at all it was me and the babies and OH MY GOD I'm literally in tears right now and just so thankful that the only thing that happened is that we have to get a tire changed. We aren't in a hospital on life support from a terrible accident from a truly blown tire. God you continue to save me over and over and over again. I am so unworthy, but so blessed. WOW!!
I feel like all I worry about is my kids. Never myself. And God is trying to tell me that my life matters too. I always pray for God to put my kids wrath on me. Let me suffer for what they do wrong. I can take it. I'm strong. And I deserve it since I have not led them to God properly. And I feel like God is telling me to pray for myself sometimes too because I deserve it. I am no less than they are and I need to trust that God has them too. Just like He has me. Wow.
12/07/2018 - My precious girl made it home today. I saved a picture of her flight tracker to show her and also to keep for myself the fact that God literally opened up a hole around a bunch of thunderstorms so she could land. He shows up for me EVERY SINGLE TIME. And yet I am still terrified of losing my girl in a plane crash. God saved me and the babies from that blown tire and yet I still worried today as she flew home. I have to stop doing this. With God's help I will work on this and I will fix it.
I read something on Instagram that said "When God keeps bringing you the same lesson, He's trying to deliver you from that spirit. When you stop allowing demons to trigger you, eventually they will stop showing up". This brought me to my knees. The day before my daughter flew to Napa I had a terrible dream about a demon who took over my body and then flew down and picked up my sweet granddaughter and then the earth caved into itself in my dream. The last time my daughter flew I thought I had dealt with these fears and yet I was paralyzed by my fears this entire week. So this demon that keeps triggering me has to die. And it will only die if I rely more on my Savior. Its been a really rough week, but dang I would not change it for a thing. It made me realize how much God loves me and how He is constantly protecting me even when the only thing I can do is to be completely wrought with anxiety.
God thank you for the gift you constantly give me and your vigilance. I promise I will not fail you.
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
I sat down today after work and opened my book titled God Calling. I just happened to read this message from yesterday....
Why is this message significant? Well I was looking at my tattoo today and for what ever reason I decided to type Jesus in Hebrew into my browser and I had a hard time finding my tattoo. I got this tattoo a few years ago and I remember researching it for months and there was a good reason I chose this version of it, but I can't remember what that even is now. My tattoo is supposed to be Jesus written in Hebrew....or Yeshua.... or Yehoshua ...
So I started to stress over it and think well maybe I will just have it lasered off and another one put in its place. Then I kept looking and looking and I found that my version of it which is the Yehoshua version was used more commonly in text, so I thought, that is probably why I chose it. Like I said I didn't remember why I chose this particular version and honestly its my tattoo so who really cares. I don't want one that looks like anyone elses. Its personal. But I was stressing over it for a minute.
Even with the smallest thing God puts my mind at ease. This passage talks about My Mark. This is my mark:
It talks about the stamp of the Kingdom and this reminds me how accessible God is to me. I can pray and commune with God at any moment of any day, for any reason. I can worship Him daily if I want to and sometimes I do just that.
God speaks to me in so many ways and sometimes I just look up at the sky and I say ok I get it, I'm sorry I didn't the first 50 times you tried to get my attention. Other days I just fall to my knees and whimper like a terrified, but thankful puppy. The fact that God would save me in these moments when I am so flawed is beyond my comprehension.
This morning on the way to work this Jeremy Camp song came on called Tell The Whole World. I had never heard it before, but like all things JC sings it moved me to my core. The chorus goes like this:
I wanna tell the whole world about Jesus
He saved my soul, did a miracle in me
He said "Dead man come alive"
He opened up my eyes
I wanna tell the whole world that I'm free
This song is me. I want to tell the whole world about Jesus. Right now my shy and introverted self uses this blog that I envision lots of people stumbling upon someday, but this song speaks to why I write in my blog. This is my way of sharing this loving, forgiving, amazing savior with the world. He is here for you. He is here for me. He is here for every single person that has come before and will come after us. And you don't need a pastor to tell you about Jesus. Just look for Him. He is all around you!
God also reminds me to write in my blog. Not just when I am happy, but also when I am broken. Make no mistake, my messages are Divinely inspired. Thank you Jesus for loving me! I need you SO MUCH Lord!
Why is this message significant? Well I was looking at my tattoo today and for what ever reason I decided to type Jesus in Hebrew into my browser and I had a hard time finding my tattoo. I got this tattoo a few years ago and I remember researching it for months and there was a good reason I chose this version of it, but I can't remember what that even is now. My tattoo is supposed to be Jesus written in Hebrew....or Yeshua.... or Yehoshua ...
So I started to stress over it and think well maybe I will just have it lasered off and another one put in its place. Then I kept looking and looking and I found that my version of it which is the Yehoshua version was used more commonly in text, so I thought, that is probably why I chose it. Like I said I didn't remember why I chose this particular version and honestly its my tattoo so who really cares. I don't want one that looks like anyone elses. Its personal. But I was stressing over it for a minute.
Even with the smallest thing God puts my mind at ease. This passage talks about My Mark. This is my mark:
It talks about the stamp of the Kingdom and this reminds me how accessible God is to me. I can pray and commune with God at any moment of any day, for any reason. I can worship Him daily if I want to and sometimes I do just that.
God speaks to me in so many ways and sometimes I just look up at the sky and I say ok I get it, I'm sorry I didn't the first 50 times you tried to get my attention. Other days I just fall to my knees and whimper like a terrified, but thankful puppy. The fact that God would save me in these moments when I am so flawed is beyond my comprehension.
This morning on the way to work this Jeremy Camp song came on called Tell The Whole World. I had never heard it before, but like all things JC sings it moved me to my core. The chorus goes like this:
I wanna tell the whole world about Jesus
He saved my soul, did a miracle in me
He said "Dead man come alive"
He opened up my eyes
I wanna tell the whole world that I'm free
This song is me. I want to tell the whole world about Jesus. Right now my shy and introverted self uses this blog that I envision lots of people stumbling upon someday, but this song speaks to why I write in my blog. This is my way of sharing this loving, forgiving, amazing savior with the world. He is here for you. He is here for me. He is here for every single person that has come before and will come after us. And you don't need a pastor to tell you about Jesus. Just look for Him. He is all around you!
God also reminds me to write in my blog. Not just when I am happy, but also when I am broken. Make no mistake, my messages are Divinely inspired. Thank you Jesus for loving me! I need you SO MUCH Lord!
Friday, June 1, 2018
Remember Me?
Today, my Facebook memories gave me this that I wrote 5 years ago:
"Lately I have not been walking with Jesus. Call it life. Call it a flawed human being. Call it what ever you want, I'm just not putting God between me and the world and as a result I've been in a lot of trouble. Trouble with my family, my friends and even my work. I don't like being here at all. So to my peers I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry if my mean heart has affected you. I'm sorry if my actions left you wondering how this person can call herself a Christian and I'm sorry if you have lost respect for me. Make no mistake, I have lost a lot of respect for me. All I can do is wake up tomorrow and try to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be while learning from my mistakes. I'm broken.....flawed.....undeserving.... and yet I throw myself on the mercy of my Maker and He rescues me time and time again. I ask, how can You love me like this when there are so many moments that I can not even stand the sight of myself and I feel Him smiling and reassuring me that we are in this together. Lord, let me not disappoint you today!"
I remember distinctly where I was when I wrote this post. I had an issue at work and of course I let it overflow into the rest of my life. I used to be really hard on myself, but that is something I have been trying to do a lot less of and honestly I am much happier. I am at a point in my life where I can accept me for who I am. I accept the fact that I am a sinner. I sin. I am sometimes mean. I am sometimes shallow. I am sometimes selfish. I am a lot of things. But God still loves me in spite of all of that. I already have His grace. I don't have to keep working for it.
I love how God just shows up in my life when I least expect it and I will be reminded of how deeply and passionately I love my Savior even if I only write about it in this blog. I love how God moves me and is a never ending source of strength for me. I picture Jesus and my dad hanging out watching my life evolve sometimes and I think they would be proud of me. I am not perfect, but I am definitely entertaining! :0)
I realized today I have not written anything this year and the year is about half over. I have been really busy with life and work and my kids and sadly I have written a lot of things this year, but none of them are God-worthy or appropriate for this space. I need to do a better job of recording the moments when God saves me because I look back on my words and I need to constantly remind myself of these moments.
Lord, thank you for giving me this amazing life to live and for helping me seek happiness in all of my endeavors. Lord, I need you. Today and every single day for the rest of eternity and I love you so! You move me beyond words, beyond humanity, beyond this meager existence! Amen.
"Lately I have not been walking with Jesus. Call it life. Call it a flawed human being. Call it what ever you want, I'm just not putting God between me and the world and as a result I've been in a lot of trouble. Trouble with my family, my friends and even my work. I don't like being here at all. So to my peers I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry if my mean heart has affected you. I'm sorry if my actions left you wondering how this person can call herself a Christian and I'm sorry if you have lost respect for me. Make no mistake, I have lost a lot of respect for me. All I can do is wake up tomorrow and try to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be while learning from my mistakes. I'm broken.....flawed.....undeserving.... and yet I throw myself on the mercy of my Maker and He rescues me time and time again. I ask, how can You love me like this when there are so many moments that I can not even stand the sight of myself and I feel Him smiling and reassuring me that we are in this together. Lord, let me not disappoint you today!"
I remember distinctly where I was when I wrote this post. I had an issue at work and of course I let it overflow into the rest of my life. I used to be really hard on myself, but that is something I have been trying to do a lot less of and honestly I am much happier. I am at a point in my life where I can accept me for who I am. I accept the fact that I am a sinner. I sin. I am sometimes mean. I am sometimes shallow. I am sometimes selfish. I am a lot of things. But God still loves me in spite of all of that. I already have His grace. I don't have to keep working for it.
I love how God just shows up in my life when I least expect it and I will be reminded of how deeply and passionately I love my Savior even if I only write about it in this blog. I love how God moves me and is a never ending source of strength for me. I picture Jesus and my dad hanging out watching my life evolve sometimes and I think they would be proud of me. I am not perfect, but I am definitely entertaining! :0)
I realized today I have not written anything this year and the year is about half over. I have been really busy with life and work and my kids and sadly I have written a lot of things this year, but none of them are God-worthy or appropriate for this space. I need to do a better job of recording the moments when God saves me because I look back on my words and I need to constantly remind myself of these moments.
Lord, thank you for giving me this amazing life to live and for helping me seek happiness in all of my endeavors. Lord, I need you. Today and every single day for the rest of eternity and I love you so! You move me beyond words, beyond humanity, beyond this meager existence! Amen.
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