Lord I Need You

In the past I have written about how I try to live my life without regret, but today I am going to say that my biggest regret in life is not leading my daughters to Christ. I'm writing this to encourage anyone reading this with small children not to make the same mistake that I did. I follow Nick Vujicic on Facebook. He is the guy who was born with no arms or legs who is such an inspriation to the world. Someone posted on his wall about their daughter's coming forward and giving their life to Christ as they listened to one of Nick's messages. This post really brought me to tears and made me so sad that I never got to celebrate this with my own daughters.

Growing up we never went to church. We were the family that might show up on Christmas or Easter or we might not. I had no idea what it meant to give my life to Christ. I had no idea really who Christ was. And then God sent me to work with a bunch of southern women just after graduating from high school at a small oil company in Corsicana, Texas and they really changed my life forever. These women raised me. They taught me about church and God. They taught me about family and how to love your children and to give them everything you have. They taught me how to dress and wear make up and to never leave the house without looking your best. And I loved them all so much. I spent 7 years with them working at this oil company from the age of 18 to 25. It was so difficult to leave there, but God had bigger plans for me.

Through the years I have not always made the best decisions. I think it is mainly because I've never had a really strong support system. I've always felt like I had to do everything myself and to this day that has not changed. If I want something I have to figure out how to get it for myself and its only been recently that I have been able to do that. My entire life revolved around my kids and making sure they had the best life possible, so nothing has ever really been about me. And yet I'm sitting here typing this message still feeling guilty that while I gave my daughters as much love as I could and as many "things" as I could, I failed to teach them the most important life lesson.

If I didn't have God I would not be here. It is really and truly that simple for me. When I feel underappreciated and overworked God taps me on the shoulder and says "hey kid....you're gonna be ok". He lifts me up when I'm down and most importantly He is always with me. Cheering me on, just like my dad always did. Without God's love and supreme guidance my life would be meaningless. I hope and pray that someday my daughter's will read these words that I have written and come to know Christ.

Having a relationship with Christ is so easy. It took me a long time to figure this out, but its really between me and God. It's not about other people. It's not about Church. It's not about giving anything up. It's not about any of that meaningless nonsense. All you have to do is just be. BE with Christ. Worship Him with your actions. Thank Him for loving you. Love your neighbors as you love yourself. Read a bible verse. You can even put a bible app on your phone. The point I'm making is that it's all internal. Sure you can go to church and be with other believers and trust me some of them will change your life. Others will disappoint you immensely. But at the end of the day it's not about them, it's about you and Jesus. I want so badly for my girls to understand this and believe it and live their lives with God implanted so deeply in their hearts that nothing could ever hurt them. With God all things are possible and with God their enemies will be crushed.

I will close with this song by Matt Maher that God just whispered in my ear and a prayer; Lord thank you for finding your way into my heart and changing me forever. Whether it was the sweet little old ladies at Wheelock Oil Company who helped you or something else makes no difference to me. Lord I need you. Every hour I need you. Please never leave my side. Amen

Lord, I Need You
Matt Maher

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

To teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
When I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvfMDhTyMA

Jesus is Hope

Jesus is hope. Forget everything you already know about Jesus. Forget that he died on the cross. Forget that he suffered so we could have everlasting life. Forget all of it and know that Jesus is hope. I believe in Jesus because believing in Him gives me hope and without hope I think I would be lost.

Today the world awoke to news of a mass shooting in Las Vegas. It seems our world is in turmoil lately. We could all sit around feeling doomed or we could hope for the best. Jesus gives me that hope. Sometimes crappy things happen to really good people. I am certain that God uses crappy times to pull us closer to Him. So when you think the world is going to hell and you feel hopeless and you think you can not bear one more burden, why don't you lay them all down at the feet of Jesus? Tell Him that you can't do it anymore and you need help. And guess what? He will be there.  He will pick up the pieces of your broken, shattered life and he will put them back together again in a way you never thought imaginable. And you don't even have to tell anyone that you believe. If you are afraid of being judged or whatever just let your relationship with Christ simply live inside of you. There are no rules to loving Christ.

We all live in this material realm where we can't see Jesus. We can't see God. Our reality is what we see, so asking someone to simply believe is a a stretch. I get that. I can't make anyone believe in God and it doesn't matter anyway, because God believes in you. He will not foresake you. He will not leave you.

In these times when it seems like hope is gone, just know that Jesus is Hope. Jesus is Love. Jesus is all things to everyone. Its not complicated and you don't have to be a theologian to understand God. Simply sit still, close your eyes and ask God to enter your heart and fill you with love where there once was hate. Ask Him to help our world and embrace those that are hurting. Ask Him anything. Do it a lot. And soon you will seek Him in all things and He will be there.

Lord today I just want to thank you for loving us all even when our humanity turns into something terrifying like what happened in Las Vegas. Help us rise above that space and embrace you when we feel like there is no escape. Help us see you in those horrible moments and help us to know how much you love us through them. I love you so much!

I am a thief....

Today I want to talk about the song Thief by Third Day and how this song moves me to my core every single time I hear it. I literally stop what I'm doing and I imagine myself singing this song. I am a thief, I am a murderer, walking up this lonely hill. This is me. This is all of us. This man is no different from you or me. Sure his sin might be greater, but sin is sin right? He looks over and he sees Jesus hanging from that cross and he says "Who is this man? This man beside me, they call the king of jews. They don't believe that he's the Messiah, but somehow I know its true."

At that very moment the thief knew Jesus was the Messiah.

The thief continues:

My time has come and I'm slowly fading
I deserve what I receive
Jesus when You are in Your kingdom
Could You please, please remember me?

And He looks at me still holding on
The tears fall from His eyes
And He says I tell the truth
Today, you will be with Me in paradise
And I know that my time, yes my time is coming soon

When the song talks about tears falling from His eyes is usually where I completely lose it because I am the thief and Jesus saved me too. I can imagine the betrayal He felt from being crucified by His own people. I imagine the pain He is in. I imagine that He is so pure that He literally took the time to save the man next to Him and I just want to be more like Him.

So often compassion leaves me and I find myself being hateful or mean. Even if its only in my own mind. I am jealous of people. I say mean things about people. I'm just really a mean person sometimes. I have to do a better job of remembering the price that Christ paid for my sins and work towards not being so hateful.

Lord thank you for dying for us. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for teaching us that God is accessible to us no matter what. Even if we sin and fall short.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwPqCPMyypI

Perfect Imperfection

So often we get caught up in situations that are less than ideal and we wonder, why on earth is this happening to me? We never think about the blessing this one thing that is less than ideal might actually be to someone else. True, its not your xanadu, but it might be just what someone else needs at that moment.

God is at work right now turning a bad situation in to a livable situation even at the cost of someone elses happiness. And that someone else might be resentful at first, but hopefully they can take a step back and see the bigger picture and know that sometimes we have to surrender our own happiness and fulfillment for only a moment just to help another soul. What if that other soul had no options? How would their lives be impacted by that? But through God and you they now have options.

Sometimes its not all about us, its about someone else. Think about the times in your life when someone showed up to help you. There was surely divine intervention in that and you didn't even know it. We have to learn to revel in every moment knowing that this one and the next and the next is architected by God. Is every moment perfect? No, but where is the fun in that? I feel like the culmination of life is about 1 perfect moment in every 9 imperfect moments and it really comes down to our trust and faith in God.

Today I know two things. I am alive. And I am in LOVE with my savior. Beyond that I'm just filling in the gaps with my perfectly imperfect life! I think my message today is one of surrendering. Get out of your head. Stop thinking about what you DON'T have and start thinking about how this moment, thanks to God, is a blessing to someone even if it isn't you!

This Is My Truth

Today I am absolutely humbled by the spirit of God. As I stand in my office listening to my music the song Sweetly Broken, by Jeremy Riddle comes on and I am brought to tears. This song moves me more than I can express with words, but I will attempt to explain.

I am broken. So broken. Shame overtakes me some days. Its that constant shame in the corner of my brain that makes me feel so unworthy and push everyone away so its not a small thing. It hurts me. It hurts my relationships. It lets me justify detaching from reality and people. It leads me to really dark days that I often wonder how or if I will ever overcome.

And then something as simple as this song reminds me that I am human. I sin. I am broken, but in God's eyes I'm already forgiven. And if the maker of the universe forgives me, why can't I forgive myself? If He loves me. Why can't I love myself? No human is greater than God. No ego is greater than God, so why do I constantly come back to this place where I feel ugly and unworthy and unhappy?

I think the answer is that I forget how much God really loves me. I forget that I have already been given grace. I want to believe it, but I often have doubts that are just the devil getting in my head trying to ruin my relationship with Christ. That reminds me of the song Forgiven by Sanctus Real where he talks about his past failures that the devil won't let him forget. I need to do a better job of silencing my demons with the voices of the angels whose music I can not live without, two of whom are mentioned in this post.

This is my truth. This is where I need to be in order to enjoy my life on this earth and stop allowing fear and anger and shame control me.

Father God, please forgive me for losing sight of You. Thank you for loving me so much and never letting me forget how close you are. I feel You next to me right at this moment reminding me that I am worthy. Lord if I had to experience what I have in the last 40 plus days in order to go deeper with You then I would gladly do it again a thousand times over. Please help me stay focused on You and your plan for my life. In your precious son's name I pray! AMEN!

SWEETLY BROKEN

To the cross, I look, and to the cross, I cling
Of it's suffering, I do drink, of its work, I do sing
On it, my Savior, both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love and God is just

At the cross, You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees
And I am lost for words, so lost in love
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
Yeah, yeah, oh Lord

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5_Z3ZZYLDc

FORGIVEN

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I am reminded of the wrong that I 
have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9FW1dz3Lrg

Happiness

Two days ago I was talking to my daughter about happiness. Happiness has often been elusive to me, but there are a few things I have learned in my 50 plus years on this earth. First and foremost I don't believe you can truly be happy without Jesus in your life. Without a solid foundation built by God you will always be lost and engulfed in fear. Only through God can you conquer your fears. Secondly, happiness is a choice that you make. You can choose to be sad and negative every day or you can choose to be happy and positive. The choice is really yours. My advice to my sweet child was to work on being happy with something small like a frappucino. Really savor it and enjoy it and let it fill you with happiness. Don't expect anything else to make you happy that day, just be happy with that frappucino. Then maybe move to something bigger the next day and the next.

I know someone who to me seems lost. I am not one to force my beliefs on anyone, but internally my heart really aches for her. I have many tattoos and they are almost all based on my faith. When I got Yeshua (i.e. Jesus) tattooed on my wrist (in Hebrew) and I told her what it meant she said, I am not religious and I said neither am I. You don't have to be religious to have faith or to love and worship Jesus. What I really want to tell her is that God loves her so much that He sent his son to earth to die for her. She has already been given grace and she doesn't even know it. Everything in her life that brings her sadness and grief can be washed away simply by accepting Christ as her savior. And that she will never truly be happy until this happens and its never too late to become a believer and to walk with Christ.

I challenge you to constantly be seeking communion with your savior, even when this crazy life is so busy that we barely have time to breath. Even when your focus is on earthly treasures, just look up and say Thank You Jesus. Thank you for loving me and for being here with me in this moment and making me happier than I ever thought possible!

Faith

I have always been a believer, but I haven't always been faithful. Around the year 2001 to 2003 I was lost. I was dating a man who I thought I would be with forever, but something was just off. And then I was laid off from a job, then another job and my teenage daughter was more than a handful. Life for me was not good. My boyfriend at the time made the comment to me that I seemed "faithless". This really destroyed me to hear because I definitely believed in God. It would take many many years for me to understand that he was right.

Belief and faith are two completely different things. You can believe in God all day long, but not truly believe that He can save you. This is where faith comes in. Faith is knowing that God will save you. Not just today, but every single second of every day of your life. When you are faithless you worry more. You don't trust God. You try to fix everything on your own. You don't pray. You don't convene with your savior. I know this because that is what I did. My ego was bigger than God and my faith was non-existent.

If I had not been told I was faithless I would never have tried to go deeper and get to know God more, so I am thankful for that moment. Through the years I have really tried to kill my ego and grow my faith. Writing helps me a lot. Listening to Christian music is how God speaks to me the most. I love to be near people who are faithful and hearing about their journeys. I love to read books about Christ from all sorts of different authors and I love reading the Bible.

I'm not perfect and there are days or weeks or months that I will still falter, but my faith NEVER falters. I know that even when I sin God is still here trying to save me. His love for me is overpowering and I know the reason I feel His love so strongly is because of my faith. Lord how I love you back!

I wrote the post below on Facebook 4 years ago today. Its kind of ironic that I began writing this blog entry today regarding faith, and then this popped up in my feed. Actually its not ironic at all, its a God thing! It's like God was saying hey remember ME???? Yes God, I remember you and I love you SO SO MUCH!!!!!!

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Trust God

Sometimes I hate my life. I am in this space and I hate it and I am tormented by it. I scream out to God asking why? Crying why have you put me in this space and why can't I just be happy? But happiness seems as elusive to me as my dying youth. And just when I think it can't get any worse, God speaks to me like He always does through my music and I hear the words "you are not trusting God". And He is right. I am not trusting God's purpose for putting me where I need to be and that is why I am so unhappy. God has never once put me through anything that didn't make me a better person and yet, when confronted by a seemingly hopeless situation which is really where I need to be trusting Him the most, I resort to my old ways and I am mad at God.

Recently I feel like I am surrounded by death. A co-worker literally dropped dead at his desk last week and just yesterday my sister-in-law had a close family friend commit suicide. They were 41 and 24. So young and so tragic. I am reminded of how little time we have in this life and how precious it is. I think happiness is a gift that we can give back to God. I think He wants us to be joyful and when we are it makes Him happy. When life gets in the way of your joy, you have to find joy in other things and I think you should constantly be seeking joy. And I mean JOYFUL JUBILATION. The kind of joy that makes you want to scream it from the roof tops. When you can do that even in the midst of torment, I think you will have mastered life.

My message today is pretty clear. Listen for God to lead the way. And when you are lost just wait for God to hand you the baton so you can run through it until you get to the other side of your struggles. Maybe you are here because you needed time to reflect. Maybe you are here because God is saving you from heart ache that could be a million times worse than your petty little struggle today. I think that is what I keep forgetting. It could be so much worse. So be thankful for God and be thankful for this moment, no matter how crappy it is and above all Trust God.

Death Is Never Easy

Yesterday a colleague of mine passed away while at work. He was a father and a husband and an all around nice guy. He just turned 41. I am reminded of how short life really is and how at any moment the Lord could take us home. I think we do so many stupid things in life because we fear death and yet you could be reading these words and taking your last breath at the same time.

I think that we forget to live because we are terrified of dying. I think that we work so hard to do what society tells us, but for what? I think of my dad who worked his entire life for his family. He was not the sort of man who had to have cars or boats or "things". As long as we were all happy, he was happy. And then 5 short years after he retired he was gone. I wonder if he ever regretted not being more selfish. I wonder if he ever wished he had lived more. These are questions that haunt me to this day.

I think there are worse things in life than dying. I say this because I know when I die I get to be with my dad and Jesus and knowing this brings me comfort. I think if you are a faithful person, then death is less daunting. I still fear death because I don't want it to hurt, but I know that when I'm gone I will have left my girls with a good role model in life. One who worked hard and sacrificed a lot for them and taught them how to be independent, successful women. I will know that I lived my life without regret.

Losing my friend from work has taught me that even though I have been moderately successful in this life, I really need to live more. I don't want to waste my hours on Facebook or other social media sites. I want to make a difference in this world. I want my existence to be purposeful. I have not been giving like I used to give. I have been so self-absorbed because I felt like it was finally my turn to do something for myself, but I have a tendency to go 100 miles per hour in one direction and I really need to learn how to go 55 and enjoy the scenery. I need balance. I need to give and receive at the same time. It's funny how God opens your eyes using situations around you.

Today my message is to live life like there is no tomorrow, because that could literally be the case for you. Do something different today. Connect with God. Be a good person. Love on your family. Don't leave this life without telling the people you love how much they mean to you. Leave no questions unanswered, so when the Lord comes to take you home your family can say that "my mom sure knew how to live" or "my dad loved his family but he regretted not doing more for himself". We are only here for a blip in time. Make that blip amazing!