Good Bye 2015

So long and good riddance to the worse year of my life. My year started out ok, but then my brother had a heart attack and then I was devastated by an event that took place at work. I was lonely and my loneliness grew exponentially as the year progressed. Menopause got the best of me and the fatter I got the more angry and bitter I became. All of these things are a recipe for disaster. And then disaster came. Each setback left me thinking that I had hit rock bottom and maybe now I could move foward and each second led to another minute of Hell that stretched to hours of agony and then days and months of despair. My last minutes of my 40's ended with a message from God. Such a silly thing, but it was a message. The same verse that was tattooed on my leg ended up on BibleGateway on my birthday. It was a sign from God that my life wasn't over, but my dark days were.

And then the love of my life texted me and told me that he would do anything to be with me again. I tried to tell him he didn't want my fat ugly ass, but he would not entertain a life without me. God brought him back to me a different man and I can't imagine a life without him in it.

You will never know the love that Jesus has for you without experiencing the darkness. And just when you think you see the light, its tough to learn that the darkness still won't leave you, but you have to remain faithful because all of these things are meant for our true happiness. All of the disappointments and downfalls are just God's way of moving in our lives and getting us to move as well. God knows me better than I know myself and He knew that disaster was the only way to shake me out of the hole I had dug for myself so as much as I have beaten myself up over my situation and these events that I thought would break me, I have to know that this was God's way of moving me where I needed to be.

I am reminded of the fact that the closer I am to God the clearer I will be able to hear His voice. I once heard this message from a female pastor and I really believe it to be true. I like to think that I am always close to God but there are times when my ego just gets in the way and I can't hear anything because of it. Not God or anyone for that matter. I desperately want to change this. I will change this.

I'm happy 2015 is over and I am looking forward to a new year in which I just want to do something different every single day. I don't want to do the same things I've been doing or go the same places or see the same people. I want each day to bring me a new challenge and new surprise and I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to achieve this, but this is my plan. I just want to live a different life than I have been living. I'm not sure what that looks like just yet, but I am excited for 2016.

I am 50 years old and my life is not over, in fact it is just beginning. I was watching Biography recently and learned that Morgan Freeman did not have a breakthrough performance in his career until he was .... guess what age? 50!! All of these amazing works he has done have been after that milestone. As I watched that I could literally hear God saying to me, "see??? Morgan Freeman did it?" and it made me so optimistic about my future.

Life doesn't have to end at 50! For some of us, it is just the beginning. I have always been considered a late bloomer. I was so homely as a child and let's be honest I'm no Angelina, but I am no longer homely. It just makes sense that my life would really begin for me at 50. So I am going to begin the next chapter of my life with a new outlook, a new (old) love and the assurance that God is with me, God is guiding me and God is helping me (The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale) !!

From the same book  I will close with this quote...

--Never be defeated by the discouraging vicissitudes of the game!--

Because in the game of life I choose NEVER to be defeated!

Happy Birthday!

This has been the most challenging year of my life by far. Terrible things happened to me that I could never in my wildest dreams have predicted would happen. I have had struggles. I have experienced crippling depression and I have pretty much hated everyone and everything. But the worse part of all of this is that I sort of forgot to give it all to God. I went through life thinking I had control. I could fix this and as a result my ego grew. A lot. That chip I once had on my shoulder returned and I felt that I could do no wrong. This is a terrible place to be.

So I did what worked for me 10 years ago when I had similar struggles. I opened up my Norman Vincent Peale, Power of Positive Thinking book and began reading. How can a book written in the 1950's speak to me like this? I have no idea but it does. Every single time I read it, this book alters my perception of life.

This book reminds me that I am nothing without God. All of the power within the universe is mine to harness, but that can only happen through God who created it all and is the power source. This book helps me wrestle my ego to the ground and kill it and this book will be a part of my every day life forever for that very reason. I don't have control, God does. And if I want my life to change the only way to do that is with God's help.

God sent me the most amazing reminder of this today when I opened my Bible Gateway app this morning and I see this verse of the day...

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
John 11:25

This verse is tattooed on my leg. Today is my 50th birthday. There are 365 days in a year and over 31 THOUSAND verses in the Bible. What are the odds that this particular verse would end up on my app on my birthday? Immediately Romans 8:31 entered my mind....If God be for us who can be against us?? I feel like Jesus just said Happy Birthday Tina, now let's make the next 50 the best 50. I'm still in shock and awe as I write this. And the abundance of joy and peace and energy that I feel is insurmountable.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I can not sit here and waste my time doing nothing when God is affirming me SO PROFOUNDLY! Today is the first day of the rest of my life and its going to be EPIC!!!