My emotions definitely come in waves. Some days I am strong and efficient and other days I am weak and unfocused. Trying to navigate life with work, self-care, relationships and people while you are also surviving an addict is really hard. Sometimes I wonder how I do it, but its really all I have known for nearly 20 years. In that same time I got married and divorced a few times, built a career from basically nothing, raised two daughters, bought and sold houses and vehicles, lost my dad who was my world and survived it all and maybe even thrived a little on some days. Life does not slow down for PTSD, so you just figure out how to move forward.
Sometimes I wish I could see into the future so I will know when this nightmare will end. And sometimes I don't even want to know the answer to that because it terrifies me. Standing my ground with my addict daughter gets easier, but there are days when I just want my baby back. My self talk has definitely gotten a lot better. I am not mean to myself anymore. I am just like everyone else, out here trying to do the best I can with what life throws at me.
I am so thankful for the pandemic. I know that sounds so crazy, but slowing down and sitting in this space has been so therapeutic. I am so grateful that I have been able to stay home and work on my health, both physical and mental. I matter. I know that now.
Lord, today I want to pray for my daughter. I want her to be successful and to thrive. Lord, take my baby girl's hand and lead her away from this devil. Only You can save her. I know this. Her life matters too.
